“Can you believe?!”
– Jonathan Van Ness –
Have you visited a sausage factory (no, this is not a euphemism) and wondered if those factory workers still crave for sausages? The sausages that we, average people, regularly encounter in a restaurant are always beautifully packaged by the factory to distract the consumers from the horrendous procedures they take in slaughtering the animals. I am guessing the same phenomenon applies to the porn industry. They successfully create the illusion that sex is an easy and clean process, but we are all aware that is not the case (at least 95% of the time). Seriously though, I only have one thing to say to whoever thinks real-life sex is just like porn, that you can just shove your humongous penis up someone’s ass without proper lubrication: go fuck yourself.
I’m assuming that you read the title and went “what the fuck… how did this guy have sex with a porn star?!” First of all, it’s not hard to find a porn star in Los Angeles; they are pretty much everywhere. Just go to West Hollywood and those godlike go-go boys that you see have probably starred in some sort of pornographic videos, ranging from amateur jerk off session to hardcore gangbang scenes. I’m not here to shame those of you who work (or had worked) in the porn industry in any capacity. Idk… I just don’t think I can do it. The thought of my loved ones watching me gangbanged in a locker room scares the shit out of me.
When this guy messaged me on Jack’d (which, in my opinion, is a slightly more dignified version of Grindr), I immediately noticed two things on his profile. One, he’s a very attractive muscular guy with an all-American-boy-next-door vibe, except he’s that neighbor who is secretly a rough trade that you desperately wanna ride into the sunset. I also learned that he’s a pornstar. And no, he’s actually a porn star who works for a legit porn studio, unlike those exhibitionists who post videos of them jerking off on sites like XTube or worse, OnlyFans. Anyway, what’s with people nowadays creating OnlyFans account to show X-rated contents of themselves? Like what, you’re not attractive enough to get into a legit porn studio, so you resort to directing and producing your own contents?
How do I know that he’s a pornstar, you might ask? He fucking wrote it on his profile. I guess that’s like how vegans and CrossFit junkies got into a bar announcing their “preferred lifestyle” to everyone; there’s no urgent need for you to tell everyone unless asked. Anyway, being a naive eighteen years old horny gay boy, I had the following questions running through my mind:
- How does he still want to have sex outside of his “office hours”? Doesn’t his studio require him to save some loads for the shoot? Isn’t that the money shot for porn?
- Is he into kinky stuff? I could be a moaner but I’ve never really done dirty talks… I can’t imagine myself laying on all four looking like a roasted pig (insert jokes about spit roasting here) while screaming “yes daddy, please spank me!”
- He must have had a lot of experiences in bed… Do I need to act like I’m an expert? But he might think that I’m a slut… But so what? He’s a pornstar, for fuck sake.
I’m not gonna lie, I had some doubts before agreeing to meet him. We chatted intermittently for a few weeks and I continued watching his “works” (for research purposes, duh). Until one day, on a fine afternoon, I decided to give it a go. To quote the youngsters, #yolo. I parked my car on the street and anxiously walked to his apartment not knowing what to expect. To my surprise, he’s actually even hotter in real life than he was in his videos. I figuratively gave myself a pat on the back and thought, “dayummm, this is gonna be good“.
It didn’t take long for us to get naked in his bed. I made sure that I was wearing the sexiest pair of underwear that I owned, and from his apparent lustful stare, I could tell that I made an excellent choice. I just thought I need to step up my game since I was dealing with a guy whose job required him to be in a pair of skimpy underwear all the time. As he was triumphantly laying on his back while my lips were busy going up and down his dick, he aggressively held my hair, passionately looked me in the eyes, and said:
“It feels really good. You are really good at this.”
Holy… Fucking… Shit… Can we just take a moment to comprehend what went down in this situation? Like, realllyyyy take five minutes to let everything I just wrote registered in your head? I couldn’t believe that all the dicks I had sucked prior to this had given me the prowess worthy of such high praise from a professional dick-sucker. Getting praised by a porn star is like winning the mirror ball on Dancing with the Stars. I felt validated AF.
But to be completely honest, I was underwhelmed by the experience. In a normal post-coital situation, I would have left his place, immediately got into my car, and thought, “wow, that was awesome!” Unfortunately, I had an unrealistic expectation for his performance in bed solely because of his occupation, and my experience wasn’t as raunchy or erotic as I expected it to be. It was by no means horrible. It’s actually pretty amazing (like, we did it in various positions), but I was just expecting more. It’s like ordering a Big Mac from McDonald’s; it’s still a delicious burger but it doesn’t even look close to the burger shown on the menu. I had always thought there’s a secret hypersensitive area of my body that I had never been aware of, and only incredibly experienced sexual human beings, like porn stars, held the answer to discovering my mystery spot. But instead, it felt like another graceless hook-up with a fairly attractive Angeleno. Maybe he only thought of our hook up as a practice session before his career-defining orgy scene, just like how Victoria Secret’s models have to go through a dress rehearsal before walking the runway? Damn, that’s probably the gayest reference I’ve made so far.
I guess for me it was a humbling experience that humanizes not just him, but also other sex workers in my eyes. When you watch actors on your TV screen, you often forget that they are regular humans just like us. Although our occupation might differ, all of us still get irritated when you’re asked if you wanna pay an extra charge for guac at Chipotle. Like seriously? We all know and it’s not even a question. Just. give. me. my. fucking. guacamole.
P.S. I’m not gonna disclose his information or provide the link to his films for privacy reasons.
P.P.S. his bathroom was really dirty and it made me think of him “preparing” for his shoots. Boner killer.