XXXVIII. The Guys Whom I Had Forgotten About

“Your story is what you have, what you will always have. It is something to own”

– Michelle Obama –

The way our brains operate often fascinates me. Most nights, they turn into a cinema that plays dreadful scenes from a horror movie titled My Regrettable Decisions. When I wake up the next morning, however, I barely remember tearing up in the middle of an intense masturbation session the night prior. I can wake up feeling refreshed AF and be ready to carpe diem the shit out of my day only to have a mini-breakdown after I accidentally listen to some melancholic songs I have emotional attachments to. Don’t we all wish our brain worked like Netflix where we can pick and choose which memories to replay during our mental breakdown? I used to be bewildered by people who have a strong dependency on alcohol to get through their days. However, as I undergo the adulting process, it all starts to make more sense to me, especially with some hardcore stuff that people had to go through. Raw doggin’ reality is fucking hard, you know?.

XXXVII. The Guy Who Was A YouTuber

“Sex will give you STDs, friendships are fucking fake, relationships will cheat on you, family will disown you… pizza is forever”-

– Trisha Paytas –

Judging from the quote above that I picked from the lovely Miss Trisha Paytas, an iconic YouTube content creator and my personal spirit animal, I know you might be thinking, “wow, this chapter is gonna be dramatic as fuck!” Well… the only way for you to find out is for you to hit that “Continue Reading” button below! But before you do that, don’t forget to click the subscribe button and like this chapter! You can also follow me on Instagram, @squirttale, for your daily dose of outrageously funny memes! (Damn… look at me killing the shameless plug game!)

XXXVI. The Guy Who Was A Ridiculously Attractive Douchebag

“Your outside is gorgeous, Raven, but your insides are dark and nasty. And I don’t like you”

– Tatianna –

Sometimes, life feels unfair when we stumble upon a person who seems to have it all. I’m sure you’ve all had one of those discussions with someone about which famous person you would wanna swap bodies with for a day or things you would do/buy if you won the lottery. My point is that sometimes, we’re completely misled by the exterior of someone that we disregard the true character behind all their facades. On Instagram, for instance, it’s incredibly easy to hide your nasty attitude or past traumas behind inspiring flowery quotes you copy-paste from Pinterest. We often forget that Instagram can be a heavily curated representation of someone’s life. I’m aware of how cliché this might sound, but we really need to stop judging a book by its cover.

XXXV. The Guy Who Was On All Fours And Naked

“Most people talk about their fantasies. I’m living mine”

– Erika Jayne –

We can all agree that porn, in one way or another, plays a huge role in developing our sexual fantasies. However, it’s quite unsettling when your perception of sexual pleasure is completely distorted by the hyperfictional fantasies curated by these multi-million porn studios until you disregard your own safety. Please note that no matter how arousing or educational a porn scene can be, your well-being should always come first (and your genital second). Yes, I have to admit that I find some unorthodox scenes to be hot AF, but I have to keep in mind that these porn stars are professionals, meaning that they rigorously prepare themselves prior to a scene. And let’s not forget the magic of film editing because trust me, sex doesn’t always look as seamless as porn depicts, and this is coming from someone who has experienced countless fecal incidents when having sex.

Pour It Up

I heard his roar of laughter from across the room
The kind of laughter a son longs for
And it broke me
The first man I’ve ever loved

Wouldn’t smile at me that way
So I took a sip

Hoping it would silence his laughter
Excuse me, sir, can I order a bottle of beer?

I saw her exuberant joy from across the room
The kind of joy a son longs for
And it broke me
The first woman I’ve ever loved

Would never validate my joy
So I took a sip

Hoping it would bring delight in my silence
Urgh, I need more ice

I felt her overwhelming pride from across the table
The kind of pride a brother longs for
And it broke me
The second woman I’ve ever loved

Betrayed my once innocent faith
So I took a sip

Hoping it would numb the pain of her betrayal
Wait, how did I finish that bottle so fast?

I sensed her undue excitement from across the table
The kind of excitement a brother longs for
And it broke me
The third woman I’ve ever loved

Wouldn’t share my excitement
So I took a sip

Hoping it would take me to my safe haven
Ok, I guess it’s time to order another bottle!

And I took another sip to conceal my anger
And I took another sip to hide my jealousy
And I took another sip to feel nothing
And I took another sip to feel something

And I took another sip…
What was I going to say?

XXXIV. The Guy Who Gave Me A Mindblowing BJ

“A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is”

– Barbara Bush –

Let’s talk about oral sex. Frankly, I’m not sure why some people (myself included) would go the extra mile to stuff their mouth with a humongous penis. I’m even more confused with people who waste too much energy on pleasing mediocre penises with their tongue. What’s the objective there? Why do we risk putting bacteria and STDs inside our bodies to please a random guy in the bathroom of a dive bar, fully aware of the possibility of acting like total strangers when we run into the same guy in broad daylight? What does that say about us? Are we really desperate for validation that we resort to playing STD Russian Roulette? And all those self-devaluations… for what? Some jizz in our mouth?

XXXIII. The Guy Who Kept Holding Back

“Simple and clean is the way that you’re making me feel tonight, it’s hard to let it go”

– Utada Hikaru –

As I was feasting on my chicken pomelo salad, my date asked me, “have you been in love before?” I was bewildered and I didn’t know how the correct answer to his question. I mean… don’t you have to understand what love is in order to know if you’re in love? For the longest time, I had always thought that I loved my ex (yes, we’re time traveling a bit as this happened pretty recently) but as time went by, we drifted apart and my feelings for him disintegrated. In the age of Grindr where there is plenty of fish in the ocean to choose from, how does one pick a lifetime partner to love? How do you know when you’re so inexplicably in love with someone that you subconsciously ignore all the beautiful fish swimming around you? Is that what love truly is?