“I don’t know about you, but I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all of this”
– Jack Dawson, Titanic –
Happy No Nut November people! There are times in a gay man’s life when his dick appointments get cancelled, and the way he reacts to the universe blowing up his perfectly designed plans is a true testament to his
thirstiness perseverance. Flaky guys are truly inevitable and although there are plenty of ways to mitigate the risk of being stood up, shit happens. Here are some tips to help you navigate the crazy world of modern dating and minimize the risk of you getting your heart broken by XLDaddyTop69:
– Don’t put all your eggs in one basket and always have a backup plan. Your hookup bail on you because his cat is having a stroke? Not a big deal when you have MascOnlyCumSlut and BussyDestroyer45 on your fingertips!
– Prepare a Spotify playlist in advance for you to cry your heart out should things go south. My recommendations include songs by Céline Dion, Robyn, and the criminally overplayed artist Ed Sheeran.
– Buy a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and write about how your threesome plan got cancelled because of a capsized boat.
Continue reading ➞ XLIII. The Guys Whose Boat Capsized
“In another life, I would make you stay, so I don’t have to say you were the one that got away”
– Katy Perry –
I often wonder if any of the previous men I had sex with was the one that got away. But then again, does such concept even exist, or is it something that only exist in Katy Perry’s universe?What if all of your previous lovers are merely stepping stones designed for you to find your fated soulmate? What if your previous lovers are creatures sent by the holy deities for you to learn about yourself and what you are looking for in a partner (or partners… whatever floats your boat, I guess)? The more important question is, how do you know if you have found the one? How many boxes does a potential beau need to tick on one’s lover checklist before one gets down on one knee? If I were a president, it would be my top priority to invent a Black Mirror-esque online dating app to find someone whom I can rebel the system 998 times with, before I inevitably turn into a cat lady.
Spoiler: Yes, I did have sex with the hot Latino guy in the bathhouse.
Continue reading ➞ XLII. The Guy Whom I Met In A Bathhouse (Part II)
Go ahead and ignore me, that’s my fetish
Call me a Leo ‘cause I’m so selfish
Tired of being nonchalant, sick of taking it slow
Hate downing Gordon’s three nights in a row
Face like a temple, heart like a warzone
Why don’t you wanna bone no more?
Sitting in the whirlpool, watching you on the grid
I miss catching a glimpse of us in Madrid
Used to feel the heat, now I crave for a blanket
You can’t wait to put us in the casket
Should I say goodbye, or keep feeling small
Didn’t I tell you I’m a masochist after all?
“I can’t take another night on my own, need another body here to keep warm”
– L Devine –
I consider myself to be extremely fortunate to live in times when LGBTQ+ community is becoming more accepted in our society. But don’t get me wrong… I’m completely aware that we still have a long way to go in terms of universalizing equal rights for the members of the aforementioned community. When I originally started this blog, I only intended to use it as a platform to document my journey of self-discovery. However, as more people have visited the blog (lol I love to pretend that I have gazillion readers), a few people came up to me saying how they were entertained by my misadventures and found my stories relatable. More importantly, they were also excited for more representation in queer literature and some had encouraged me to turn this crazy project of mine into something bigger. I guess I just want to thank you all for being the most supportive readers and I’m forever grateful for the love, even though I’m completely aware of the lack of my writing consistency. Oh, and thank you for giving me more incentive to continue doing the nasty!
Continue reading ➞ XLI. The Guy Whom I Met In A Bathhouse (Part I)
“Three is a charm, two is not the same, I don’t see the harm, so are you game?”
– Britney Spears –
When I was little, I felt that society shoved monogamy down my throat hardcore. Monogamous relationship was believed to be the norm and the only kind of relationship that would succeed in the long run; we were made to believe that fairytale romance exists and the vows we make at the altar are immortal. In reality, monogamy is proven to be quite a challenge as many people commit adulteries here and there, especially in the age of dating apps where we could find someone to entertain our genitals at any given moment. Personally, I had been disgusted by the idea of having an open relationship for the longest time since I was (and still am) an extremely insecure bitch. I still don’t know if I would allow myself to be in an open relationship right now, but hey, I have to keep an open mind, right? Lol but who am I kidding? I can’t even trap one boy to date!
Continue reading ➞ XL. The Guys Whom I Had My First Threesome With
“If you think you’re too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito in the room”
– Anita Roddick –
Have you ever been unsure about which course of action to take and you are just submissively waiting for a sign from the universe? Or do you believe in none of that bullshit, trust your guts, and dive into a situation head-first? As a self-proclaimed over-thinker, I’m one of those trashy human beings who is an expert at coming up with the most random excuses whenever I’m faced with inconvenient situations because my train of thoughts always take me to the darkest places. For instance, whenever I am intrigued by a shirt in a clothing store, I can’t help but wonder the amount of bacteria on the shirt, and the mere thought of it makes me feel nauseous. Yet at the same time, I’ve never thought twice before putting a stranger’s dick in my mouth. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m a fucking weirdo.
Continue reading ➞ XXXIX. The Guy Who Got Cockblocked By Mosquitoes
“Your story is what you have, what you will always have. It is something to own”
– Michelle Obama –
The way our brains operate often fascinates me. Most nights, they turn into a cinema that plays dreadful scenes from a horror movie titled My Regrettable Decisions. When I wake up the next morning, however, I barely remember tearing up in the middle of an intense masturbation session the night prior. I can wake up feeling refreshed AF and be ready to carpe diem the shit out of my day only to have a mini-breakdown after I accidentally listen to some melancholic songs I have emotional attachments to. Don’t we all wish our brain worked like Netflix where we can pick and choose which memories to replay during our mental breakdown? I used to be bewildered by people who have a strong dependency on alcohol to get through their days. However, as I undergo the adulting process, it all starts to make more sense to me, especially with some hardcore stuff that people had to go through. Raw doggin’ reality is fucking hard, you know?.
Continue reading ➞ XXXVIII. The Guys Whom I Had Forgotten About
“Sex will give you STDs, friendships are fucking fake, relationships will cheat on you, family will disown you… pizza is forever”-
– Trisha Paytas –
Judging from the quote above that I picked from the lovely Miss Trisha Paytas, an iconic YouTube content creator and my personal spirit animal, I know you might be thinking, “wow, this chapter is gonna be dramatic as fuck!” Well… the only way for you to find out is for you to hit that “Continue Reading” button below! But before you do that, don’t forget to click the subscribe button and like this chapter! You can also follow me on Instagram, @squirttale, for your daily dose of outrageously funny memes! (Damn… look at me killing the shameless plug game!)
Continue reading ➞ XXXVII. The Guy Who Was A YouTuber
“Your outside is gorgeous, Raven, but your insides are dark and nasty. And I don’t like you”
– Tatianna –
Sometimes, life feels unfair when we stumble upon a person who seems to have it all. I’m sure you’ve all had one of those discussions with someone about which famous person you would wanna swap bodies with for a day or things you would do/buy if you won the lottery. My point is that sometimes, we’re completely misled by the exterior of someone that we disregard the true character behind all their facades. On Instagram, for instance, it’s incredibly easy to hide your nasty attitude or past traumas behind inspiring flowery quotes you copy-paste from Pinterest. We often forget that Instagram can be a heavily curated representation of someone’s life. I’m aware of how cliché this might sound, but we really need to stop judging a book by its cover.
Continue reading ➞ XXXVI. The Guy Who Was A Ridiculously Attractive Douchebag
“Most people talk about their fantasies. I’m living mine”
– Erika Jayne –
We can all agree that porn, in one way or another, plays a huge role in developing our sexual fantasies. However, it’s quite unsettling when your perception of sexual pleasure is completely distorted by the hyperfictional fantasies curated by these multi-million porn studios until you disregard your own safety. Please note that no matter how arousing or educational a porn scene can be, your well-being should always come first (and your genital second). Yes, I have to admit that I find some unorthodox scenes to be hot AF, but I have to keep in mind that these porn stars are professionals, meaning that they rigorously prepare themselves prior to a scene. And let’s not forget the magic of film editing because trust me, sex doesn’t always look as seamless as porn depicts, and this is coming from someone who has experienced countless fecal incidents when having sex.
Continue reading ➞ XXXV. The Guy Who Was On All Fours And Naked