XX. The Guy Whom I Fell For Online

“In the end, I’m gonna be alright, but it might take a hundred sleepless nights to make the memories of you disappear”

– LANY –

I think it’s especially common for people in the LGBT community to experience the pain of unrequited love, ranging from developing a hopeless crush with your straight roommate to falling head over heels for your best friend over an intense cuddling session. It’s harder for us to let go of that special someone who gives us butterflies (or to quote Hailee Steinfeld, the whole damn zoo) in our stomach simply because of the extra complications in our dating process. Statistically speaking, our dating pool is much smaller than our straight counterparts, making it more difficult for us to build a connection with someone else. Then add all these bullshit society norms to the equation, and you’ll get this group of distressed human beings with addictive personalities who are constantly craving for affection and validation.

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XIX. The Guy Who’s Got A Big Penis

“Fear is not evil. It tells you what your weakness is. And once you know your weakness, you can become stronger as well as kinder”

– Hiro Mashima –

It’s fascinating how most humans share the same functioning organs, but they naturally come in various shapes and sizes. There are some guys who literally have to sell their soul to the gym and still manage to look smaller than his neighbor who spends most of his nights on the couch watching the Bachelorette while munching on chips and salsa. There are some tops out there who wish he could have swapped penises with the hung guy he fucks every Saturday night. I wish there was a way where we could trade/transfer certain parts of our body to someone who needs it more, Pokémon style (because why not). I mean… if only I could transfer some of my body fat to the girls who want to transform their knockers to look more Pamela Anderson-esque. Wouldn’t it be cool?

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XVIII. The Guy Who Was A Russian Rice Queen

“My body’s like a seventh wonder, but it’s the millionth that he’s seen”

– Maty Noyes –

What is a rice queen, you might ask? According to Urban Dictionary, a rice queen is a “homosexual male of non-Asian descent who is predominantly attracted to Asian males”. On one hand, many claims that it is someone’s “preference” to only date people in their preferred race group, just like how someone who scores a six on the Kinsey scale prefers to exclusively have a same-sex relationship. On the flip side, some people argue that writing your racial preference on your dating profiles only amplifies the negative racial prejudices against certain racial groups. I have to admit, I often feel disheartened when I see a profile that says “Sorry, not into Asians”, especially in Los Angeles, a city that prides itself on diversity and acceptance. So here’s a piece of advice: instead of writing things that are negative in nature, try writing things that you are interested in. Trust me, writing about your interests in power napping and vegan burgers makes you exponentially more attractive than expressing your strong hatred for Asian guys.

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XVII. The Guy Who Dissed My Drag Race References

“Bet you rue the day you kissed the writer in the dark”

– Lorde –

Again, I know I said I was gonna write my stories in a chronological order, but this happened to me recently and I feel the need to talk about it because I hope this story can spark an interesting dialogue. I have been trying my best to keep my blog as lighthearted and entertaining as I can because well, most of the guys I had featured in this blog didn’t really cross me. For most of them, I genuinely wish they are happy with their lives because they shared some intimate moments with me when I was fragile, trying to figure out who I am. In other words, these guys thought me something in life and temporarily filled the void in me (pun intended). However, this next guy is a definite exception to my warm wishes. And I know he read (or still does) my blog, so congratulations bitch, you made it. Welcome to your chapter and buckle up, because ready or not, you’re in for a ride on this petty rant train.

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XVI. The Guy Who Talked To Me In A Straight Bar

“I feel like you’re being sabotaged by your inner saboteur”

– RuPaul –

I know I said that I write my stories in chronological order, but this happened to me pretty recently and I feel the need to talk about it because I am still trying to comprehend what fucking happened. Plus, this is my blog so I am the one who makes the executive decision here. I know I talked big games about how I had fucked a bunch of guys before, but in real life, I’m still a quirky guy (well, unless you know me very well, then you will beg me to shut the fuck up) and I often overthink things that don’t matter. Also, a lot of you asked me if I’m gonna write about some of my experiences in Indonesia. Well, you’re in luck. What can I say, I’m a crowd pleaser.

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XV. The Guy Who Made Me Feel His Biceps

“Touch my body, put me on the floor, wrestle me around, play with me some more”

– Mariah Carey –

Yes, I am acknowledging the fact that almost all of my previous entries revolve around white guys. It’s not that I’m exclusively into white boys, but the ones who attracted me so far (yes, I’m writing my stories in chronological order so I can track exactly where my life went wrong) just happened to be Caucasian. If anything, my ideal type (emphasis on the word ideal) is a hipster-ish looking tall guy with an athletic body. Unfortunately, being a relatively tall Asian guy myself, it’s hard to find other Asian guys who are at least around my height, although I’m not very anal (pun intended) about this as I would pretty much make out with everyone after four shots of tequila. I would like to think of myself as a potato princess, meaning I’m usually attracted to white guys, but I’m also open to other races, whether it’s ricespice, or whatever. I guess you can call me a salad queen because I do love most starchy vegetables with some spices, and I do love getting my salad tossed.

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XIV. The Guy Who Was A Porn Star

“Can you believe?!”

– Jonathan Van Ness –

Have you visited a sausage factory (no, this is not a euphemism) and wondered if those factory workers still crave for sausages? The sausages that we, average people, regularly encounter in a restaurant are always beautifully packaged by the factory to distract the consumers from the horrendous procedures they take in slaughtering the animals. I am guessing the same phenomenon applies to the porn industry. They successfully create the illusion that sex is an easy and clean process, but we are all aware that is not the case (at least 95% of the time). Seriously though, I only have one thing to say to whoever thinks real-life sex is just like porn, that you can just shove your humongous penis up someone’s ass without proper lubrication: go fuck yourself.

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