III. The Guy Who Was My First Gay Crush (Prelude)

“Am I crazy or falling in love? Is it real or just another crush?”

– David Archuleta –

Have you ever starved yourself for a whole day? No food, no drink, nothing. Try drinking a glass of water the next day after you consume nothing for a day. Trust me, it will taste fucking fantastic. I keep wondering why that glass of water tastes so heavenly. Is it because I had been taking water for granted and not been aware of its taste? Is it because water had constantly been available within my reach? To me, this guy was my first sip of ice-cold water after being stranded in the Sahara desert for 18 years.

II. The Guy Who Took My Anal Virginity

“I believe it was the great American painter Bob Ross who said, ‘the key to a swollen vagina is… courage'”

– Katya Zamolodchikova –

I think by now, 98% of the human population understand that your anus is a one-way street. To this day, I still can’t understand how some people enjoy getting stuff shoved up their asshole. It’s a medical mystery. Sure, there is a scientific explanation on how anal sex can feel fucking fantastic (how our asshole has gazillion sensitive nerves blah blah blah). But think about it. To those of you who enjoy sticking your eggplant inside somebody else’s peach, when did you start staring at someone’s ass and thought “Aah… I’ll insert my disco stick in there and the world is gonna be a better place”?

I. The Guy Who Took My BJ Virginity

“Curiosity is the lust of the mind”

– Thomas Hobbes –

When you were ten years old, did you ever wonder how your first sex experience was going to be? I had always thought my first time was going to be magical, just like in one of those cheesy chick flicks where the lead character falls in love with their high school sweetheart and they end up having sex at the end of the prom night. Well, my first sex experience is very meh at best. I lost my BJ virginity when I was 18 years old, and this is how it happened.