XIV. The Guy Who Was A Porn Star

“Can you believe?!”

– Jonathan Van Ness –

Have you visited a sausage factory (no, this is not a euphemism) and wondered if those factory workers still crave for sausages? The sausages that we, average people, regularly encounter in a restaurant are always beautifully packaged by the factory to distract the consumers from the horrendous procedures they take in slaughtering the animals. I am guessing the same phenomenon applies to the porn industry. They successfully create the illusion that sex is an easy and clean process, but we are all aware that is not the case (at least 95% of the time). Seriously though, I only have one thing to say to whoever thinks real-life sex is just like porn, that you can just shove your humongous penis up someone’s ass without proper lubrication: go fuck yourself.

XIII. The Guy Who Was Into Roleplay

“You’ll think you just graduated magnum cum loudly”

– Cecily Strong –

I have always been weirded out by the idea of roleplaying in bed. First of all, how do you bring up the topic to your sexual partner(s) without sounding like a creepy sex addict? “Hey, do you wanna pretend to be my step-dad and fuck me? Don’t worry, I obviously have zero daddy issue!(I got goosebumps just from typing this). I can’t even begin to understand how porn stars can say those cringy dialogues without contemplating their life decisions that led them to star in a Pokémon Go inspired gay porno (appropriately titled Fuckémon Go). However, I have to admit that a few of those sexual fantasies intrigue me (I won’t mention them because some of you shady bitches are super judgmental) and I won’t mind trying them out at least once. But I will tell you this. I’m definitely not into any incest-related roleplay; it creeps the fuck out of me.

XII. The Guy Who Made Me Question My Personality

“Living in California, everyone learns to adapt their actor or actress within”

– Courtney Carola –

There seems to be a general consensus in the gay community that the most (widely acknowledged) attractive age range for gay men is between 22 to 28 years old. At the age of 22, you finally start having your shit together after you have been legally able to enter gay bars for a year and have banged approximately 35% of the gay population in your town. At the age of 28, you start questioning your existence in the local gay bar past midnight while desperately hunting for some man-meat. Coincidentally, it’s the same age range where civilized human beings are the most ambitious yet vulnerable, in a constant state of figuring out your place in society. That’s the age range where you (hopefully) are carving your career path while having biweekly mental breakdowns. Ok, I honestly don’t know where I am going with this.

XI. The Guy Who Had Two Kids

“Guys my age don’t know how to touch me, don’t know how to love me good”

Hey Violet –

I’m not gonna lie; I hate growing old. I fear that I won’t be able to control my own limbs because my body will go awry. I’m scared of letting go of my youth and won’t have the chance to do the things I can do now. I am mortified by the thought of living alone in a retirement home and becoming a useless piece of meat. I think it’s part of the reason why I am an adventurous guy; I know I can’t turn back time and I don’t want to live in a world of “what-ifs”. When it comes to my appearance, I believe this is as good as it gets and it’s only gonna go downhill from here, so why shouldn’t I take full advantage of this youthful beauty when I have the chance?

X. The Guy Who Kissed Me In A Gay Bar

“So kiss me on the mouth and set me free, but please don’t bite”

– Troye Sivan –

If you’ve never been to a gay bar, you should; it’s a magical place (supposedly) full of bliss and acceptance. Especially if you’re part of the LGBTQ+ community, it’s one of few places where you (again, supposedly) can feel like you belong, especially if you live in a place filled with people who believe in heteronormativity. Regardless of your sexual orientation, gay bars can be fun. I mean, if you’re not really looking to mingle with anyone (which I think you should), it’s always fun to watch the kweens wholeheartedly lip-sync to some Britney tunes while twerking their non-existent booties like their rent is due in an hour.

IX. The Guy Who Introduced Me To Poppers

“Really, queen?”

– Bianca Del Rio –

Have you ever had sex in an altered state of mind? I’m not saying that it’s the best way to have sex, but it does feel fucking amazing when it’s done correctly with consent from all parties involved. I mean, why else do you think people down hard liquors at lightning speed in a bar? Sex is about opening yourself up to someone else to experience your body in its most vulnerable state. With society making sex a taboo subject, it’s almost impossible not to worry about some things when being intimate with your partner(s). Drugs or alcohol help take those worries out of the equation, and they let you experience sex to a heightened level.

VIII. The Guy Who Was Into Photography and Handjobs

“I don’t do that tongue thing!”

– Mushu, Mulan

No, this story isn’t about me becoming an amateur pornstar, and you won’t find a video on XTube with my face on it. But this next guy did teach me about photography and offered to shoot me in compromising positions for our personal consumption. Did I say yes to his proposal? Of course not. Was I intrigued by the idea? That’s a completely different question… I could barely see my own body in the mirror without feeling extremely insecure, let alone seeing my naked butt on PornHub.