SquirtTale

“Put your heart and soul in your butt”

– Ash Ketchum –

Every TV show lasting for over two seasons usually has some filler episodes every once in a while, and a good example of this is the Pokémon anime series. There’s always a couple of episodes between each time Ash Ketchum challenges a gym leader where the most random shit happens to him and his squad. They never have any significance for an upcoming battle with a major character in the show nor have been a plot development everyone is dying to know. The best example I can think of is the bikini contest episode where James wears a pair of fake boobs. What the fuck is that?! And why did the writers think it’s a good idea to include that in a show for adolescents? I mean, you can’t expect Ash to win a gym badge or catch a Pokémon in every episode, but c’mon… really? A fucking bikini contest? Anyway, just like the aforementioned episode, this long-ass intro and chapter are gonna be exactly like one of those filler episodes: entertaining but irrelevant to the main storyline.

Continue reading “XXIX. The Guy Who Made Me Garlic Pasta”

“Call me a bad server, because I always spill the tea” 

–Sheree Whitfield –

Sex, in general, is such a weird concept to me. I mean… think about it. What aspect of sex do you actually enjoy as you are indulging in this animalistic occurrence? What does sex mean to you? Is it something that you use to deepen your relationship with a loved one? Is it more about pure pleasure? And why should we be ashamed about sex if it is something that makes us happy? But most importantly, can we all agree that objectively speaking, there’s something silly about spending hours laying on all four waiting to be pounded to oblivion? Don’t we all have more important things to do? I feel like if we as human beings collectively stop having sex, we could spend more time doing more things to fix more pressing humanitarian issues. Instead, here you are, eagerly reading stories about gay sex from a random Asian twink because sex is still a less-talked subject and you would rather interact with it from the comfort of your own smart devices.

Continue reading “XXVIII. The Guy Who Turned Me Into A Top”

“It’s just another graceless night”

– Lorde –

How do you cope with the lingering negative feelings that are slowly eating you from the inside after someone fucked you up real good? Sometimes I read about devastating life events happening to random people but they somehow manage to find the strength to survive. For some people, they turn to mind-altering substances like alcohol or weed to help them get through those cold and lonely nights, which are fair, but these substances are merely temporary solutions. Have you had one of those nights where you are ready for your beauty sleep but your brain decides to ambush you by constantly replaying those humiliating high school experiences in your head a million times? On top of it, you can’t prepare for those situations as it always hit you at the most random times. How do you get through that? How do you sleep at night?

How do you cope with the lingering negative feelings that are slowly eating you from the inside after someone fucked you up real good? Sometimes I read about devastating life events happening to random people but they somehow manage to find the strength to survive. For some people, they turn to mind-altering substances like alcohol or weed to help them get through those cold and lonely nights, which are fair, but these substances are merely temporary solutions. Have you had one of those nights where you are ready for your beauty sleep but your brain decides to ambush you by constantly replaying those humiliating high school experiences in your head a million times? On top of it, you can’t prepare for those situations as it always hit you at the most random times. How do you get through that? How do you sleep at night?

Continue reading “XXVII. The Guy Whom I Blew In JFK Bathroom Stall (NYC Series: Part 2)”

“Only fools do what I do, only fools fall”

– Troye Sivan –

What’s with people these days being so obsessed with playing the “love game”? People keep saying that you shouldn’t reply to your date three minutes after he responds to your most recent text because you don’t wanna seem overly desperate and you spend your entire day staring at your phone waiting for a response. The same thing goes with sex. Most people say that you should wait until, at least, the third date to show your private area to your date. Why is everyone so afraid with commitment nowadays? When does showing affection for someone becomes a sign of desperation, and why is that a bad thing? It just seems incredibly difficult now to be satisfied as we are constantly looking for better options without knowing exactly what we want. It’s just never enough.

Continue reading “XXVI. The Guy Who Made Me Travel Across The State (NYC Series: Part 1)”

“May the odds be ever in your favor”

– Suzanne Collins –

Leave it to the gays to turn anything innocent into something sexual. A secluded area in a family-friendly neighborhood park? Turn it into a spot for midnight cruising! A dark alley behind a small pizza parlor? Turn it into a spot to spitroast the overly drunk power bottom from the gay bar next door! For some reasons, our brains work in a really fucked up way as some people found the possibility of getting caught doing it in public made their adrenaline going like crazy. And now we’re talking about a steamy place with zero visibility where the gays get to walk around in a tiny towel? I mean… what do you think is gonna happen in there? Seriously, if you are running a service company and you want to cater to the gays, you best believe you’re gonna spend an extra fortune on cleaning services.

Continue reading “XXV. The Guy Who Blew Me In A Korean Spa”

There’s something extra thrilling about having sexual encounters while you’re traveling, whether you’re with an exotic local or fellow travelers you meet in the bathroom of your hostel. I think it’s mostly because of the mutual understanding that everything that happens is temporary; meaning that you know that you won’t run into this power bottom you fisted in a dark alley a few nights ago at your local grocery store. There isn’t any possibility of bullshit relationship drama as the night only belongs to you, your allegedly-versatile latino lover, and the overwhelming smell of poppers. As dating apps are becoming more accepted by society,  it’s only fitting that sex tourism is becoming the new norm and I’m here for it (unless it’s child prostitution, that’s deplorable).  I do have one thing to say: please be mindful of the sea turtles and stop throwing your used condoms into the ocean after you’re done having your “aquatic adventure”. They. Deserve. Better.

Continue reading “XXIV. The Guy Who’s Got Hairy Bush”

“There is a direct correlation between your energy and your neighbor’s ride”

– SoulCycle –

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and tell myself “Wow, I’m so grateful that I’m a guy”  for one important reason: being naturally born with the options of penetrating a hole or being penetrated is awesome. I mean, sure, women get to experience penetrating someone wearing a strap-on dildo but I don’t think the experience is going to be the same using a real penis. But being a male homo sapien, you get to experience the best of both worlds, because why else would the Man (or Woman, according to Ariana Grande) above randomly put a G-spot deep down a man’s arse? More importantly, and this is no shade to all women out there, but I can’t imagine having to deal with blood coming out of my penis once a month; it seems like a hassle. And don’t even get me started on the entire process of giving birth. Seriously, I can’t even handle passing an extremely hard stool after a chili-centric dinner sometimes, let alone a fucking baby.

Continue reading “XXIII. The Guy Who Made Me Come Twice”