“Goddamn, man-child, you fucked me so good that I almost said, ‘I love you'”
– Lana Del Rey –
At what point in your relationship would you feel comfortable talking about the next steps? Or worse, confessing your feeling toward the other person? Is there a set of deadlines one has to meet in a relationship? Say, if the other person hasn’t munched on your booty by the third date, does that mean your “situation-ship” is pretty much donezo? And how long do you have to wait until “red flags” emerge in a relationship? Although I’ve had years of experience in the dating department, I still haven’t been able to figure the algorithm to a successful relationship. Yet people keep saying that I should relax and go with the flow. Well, bitches… what if the flow of my relationship brings me straight into a 10,000 feet waterfall? Shouldn’t I try to prevent myself from free-falling into the abyss of a broken heart?
This is why people have been encouraging me to see a therapist.
Continue reading ➞ XLVI. The Guy Who Was Drunk In Love
Good morning, babe
I’m sorry I had to leave at five
I needed to escape
Before my obsession goes into overdrive
How’s your day going?
Mine feels arctic cold
Doubts in my mind keep running
When your heart glows like solid gold
What’s the plan for today?
I’m busy suppressing feelings I can’t handle
But I crave more than foreplay
And you can’t stay in our humble castle
So good night, babe
I’m sorry I went out of control
My mind needs to reshape
Before my demon wrecks our souls
“If you play in the sewer, you’re bound to get some mud”-
– Tyler Oakley –
When I was little, never in a million years did I think I could fit an erect penis up my tuchus. The only things that had ever traveled through my cave of wonder were the waste products from all the McNuggets I digested throughout my life. I mean… for the longest time, I had assumed that my chamber of secrets, guarded by my lush jungle of pubic hair, was meant to be a one-way street. I wasn’t equipped with the knowledge of rectal douching, or more importantly, why it’s necessary for some specific occasions. I didn’t know there was such a thing called “bottom-friendly diet”, a diet specifically catered for bottoms to avoid unpleasant surprises. It’s a shame that I had to learn all of these from experiences, PornHub, and shady websites written by corporates pondering to the gays. Unfortunately, I didn’t know all of these before I invited my muse for this chapter for an afternoon quickie.
So ladies and gentlemen, buckle up because I’m about to present to you one of the shittiest sexperiences I had to endure (pun very much intended). Enjoy!
Continue reading ➞ XLV. The Guy Who Indulged In Scat Play
“Dating is a risk. The success rate is very low and I don’t like 90% of people, so it’s scary”
– Dorothy Wang –
These days, deciphering a secret message from a series of meticulously calculated emojis and punctuation is a popular pastime among the 21st century lovers who simply lack the proper knowledge to convey their thoughts in person. We have all seen and experienced it firsthand; every time I’m texting a new guy, my friends often tell me, “don’t put an emoji at the end of that sentence or else he’d think you want to bang him!” I mean… who would’ve thought that the absence of a wink emoji could dictate the course of a relationship? Gone are the days when two people underwent a breakup over a dramatic shouting competition on their flip phones. Instead, the modern way to distance yourself from your overly clingy boyfriend is to gradually stop sending kiss emojis and reducing the y’s in your “heyyyyy” until he stops bothering you with his 2AM “u up?” texts. And to that I say – what the fuck is wrong with us?!
Continue reading ➞ XLIV. The Guy Who Got An Altoid BJ And Ghosted Me
“I don’t know about you, but I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all of this”
– Jack Dawson, Titanic –
Happy No Nut November people! There are times in a gay man’s life when his dick appointments get cancelled, and the way he reacts to the universe blowing up his perfectly designed plans is a true testament to his
thirstiness perseverance. Flaky guys are truly inevitable and although there are plenty of ways to mitigate the risk of being stood up, shit happens. Here are some tips to help you navigate the crazy world of modern dating and minimize the risk of you getting your heart broken by XLDaddyTop69:
– Don’t put all your eggs in one basket and always have a backup plan. Your hookup bail on you because his cat is having a stroke? Not a big deal when you have MascOnlyCumSlut and BussyDestroyer45 on your fingertips!
– Prepare a Spotify playlist in advance for you to cry your heart out should things go south. My recommendations include songs by Céline Dion, Robyn, and the criminally overplayed artist Ed Sheeran.
– Buy a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and write about how your threesome plan got cancelled because of a capsized boat.
Continue reading ➞ XLIII. The Guys Whose Boat Capsized
“In another life, I would make you stay, so I don’t have to say you were the one that got away”
– Katy Perry –
I often wonder if any of the previous men I had sex with was the one that got away. But then again, does such concept even exist, or is it something that only exist in Katy Perry’s universe?What if all of your previous lovers are merely stepping stones designed for you to find your fated soulmate? What if your previous lovers are creatures sent by the holy deities for you to learn about yourself and what you are looking for in a partner (or partners… whatever floats your boat, I guess)? The more important question is, how do you know if you have found the one? How many boxes does a potential beau need to tick on one’s lover checklist before one gets down on one knee? If I were a president, it would be my top priority to invent a Black Mirror-esque online dating app to find someone whom I can rebel the system 998 times with, before I inevitably turn into a cat lady.
Spoiler: Yes, I did have sex with the hot Latino guy in the bathhouse.
Continue reading ➞ XLII. The Guy Whom I Met In A Bathhouse (Part II)
Go ahead and ignore me, that’s my fetish
Call me a Leo ‘cause I’m so selfish
Tired of being nonchalant, sick of taking it slow
Hate downing Gordon’s three nights in a row
Face like a temple, heart like a warzone
Why don’t you wanna bone no more?
Sitting in the whirlpool, watching you on the grid
I miss catching a glimpse of us in Madrid
Used to feel the heat, now I crave for a blanket
You can’t wait to put us in the casket
Should I say goodbye, or keep feeling small
Didn’t I tell you I’m a masochist after all?