LVIII. The Guy Who Made Me Try Crystal Meth (The ParTy Series: Part III)

“Every time I feel good, I think it’ll last forever. But it doesn’t”

– Rue Bennett, Euphoria

To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t excited to write this chapter at all. Drug abuse has been an ongoing issue within the LGBTQ+ community, and I’ve witnessed how it destroys the lives of people I care about. My hope is that, by sharing my experience with you, I can be of service to those of you who are wrestling with similar issues. As per usual, I will do my best to keep my story as authentic as possible. That said, there will be some Squirttale-esque flare mixed into the narrative for additional entertainment values. So I apologize in advance if I come across as glamorizing drug abuse as it’s genuinely not my intention. Please keep in mind that I’m by no means advocating reckless drug use. And if you are currently struggling with substance abuse, this chapter might not be right for you, as you might find some of my contents triggering. So for once, I’m giving you permission to skip the chapter if you choose to do so.

P.S. Do yourself a favor by reading chapter L for a quick recap of my previous story with this chapter’s muse!

LVII. The Guy Who’s Not Ready For A Relationship (First Gay Crush Series: Part II)

“I know better than to ever call you mine”

– FINNEAS –

The different ways to define a relationship these days are confusing as fuck. I’ve seen two people who act like an old married couple but don’t mind saying they’re just “seeing each other.” Sure, how people want to define their relationship is none of my fucking business. However, things can get complicated when the parties involved have different expectations for the love affair. It’s unfair for one person to be invested in the relationship while the other is still busy exploring their options. One can say that this problem can be avoided if you can communicate clearly with your partner. But God forbid we ever show our emotion as people these days get turned off the moment the “what are we?” talk comes along. Dating as a millennial is so fucked up.

As a side note, can somebody tell me the differences between “going steady,” “seeing each other,” “dating,” and “in a relationship”? And why do we feel the need to have these confusingly distinctive labels?

LVI. The Guy Who Moved To Los Angeles (First Gay Crush Series: Part I)

“Do you want to try? Get to know each other. You don’t have to like me very much, just open your heart to me”.

– Sarawat, 2gether: The Series

Have you ever come across a person so intriguing that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to get to know them better? Whether it’s because of some superficial reasons or their witty Instagram captions, you have this burning desire to explore the things that could happen with this person. You are aware that, in reality, this person might not live up to your expectations. Still, you couldn’t care less about the possibility of being let down as you’re more interested in knowing the inspiration behind their puppy pics on Instagram. This person is the projection of your ideal partner. I personally don’t believe in the idea of love at first sight, as I believe that love is a culmination of tedious processes. So I guess you can call this experience, what, an initial attraction? Whatever this thing is called, it’s the feeling I felt with my first gay crush.

P.S. This is the long-awaited continuation of Chapter III. Feel free to go back to that chapter for a quick recap!

LV. The Guy Whom I Hooked Up With In A Marriott Lobby Bathroom

“Hey Dad, look at me, think back and talk to me, did I grow up according to plan?”

– Simple Plan –

How comfortable are you talking about sex with your loved ones? Do you spill the T about your personal conquests with the same people who changed your diapers years ago? I personally find it excruciatingly awkward to talk about my sex life with my parents. Even if I weren’t into taking a penis up my butt, I would not be comfortable with my parents thinking about a vagina belonging to a girl my age. I am perfectly fine with my parents assuming that I am still a twenty-something-year-old virgin, which we all know is not the case. For whatever reason, I rarely talk about my personal life with my parents. So to those who know me in real life, please don’t tell my parents about this blog. I don’t want to die of embarrassment just yet.

Melatonin

I’m fucking exhausted

Loved ones playing psychological warfare

Shaping me into a full-time sinner
Spewing out meticulously crafted lies
To please my pathological need
To be liked, to be admired, to be idolized
Shame on them for praising an imposter

Sore arms from lifting my guards up
Dark circles and restless nights
Slumber becomes a mortal enemy
Waking up is an uphill battle
A smile feels like a deadlift
Walls so high, tears can’t tear them down

Should I go rogue
And run away with Jose and Jameson?
So I take my purple gummi bear
Create a colorful universe in the cloud
An eternal war shrinks
Into twenty-minutes of anxious rolling

I just hope you know
This is me trying

And this is what I do
To fit in

LIV. The Guy Who Sneaked Out To The Treasure Island Hotel

“The thing I love about Vegas is there’s something for any type of mood you’re in and something for any kind of adventure you seek out”

– Christina Tosi –

Oh, Las Vegas. Words can’t begin to describe my conflicting feelings for this concrete oasis. On one hand, some of my most cherished memories with my closest friends happened during our sinful adventures on The Strip. From the blinding lights to the various forms of escapism, Vegas has it all. However, it’s relatively easy to lose any sense of self-control in Vegas once you overindulge in said entertainments. Most people describe going to Vegas as taking a dangerously addictive drug. The moment you taste your first win on the poker table or step into one of those grandiose nightclubs, you’ll feel the sudden rush of dopamine. But just like every drug-related euphoria, you’ll spend the next hours doing whatever it takes to chase the same high. And sometimes, things do not end well

But don’t worry, I’m saving those messy Vegas stories for later chapters. Instead, here’s a story about how I lied to my family to hook up with a stranger!

LIII. The Guy Whom I Blew After Basketball Practice

“‘Cause you and I, we’re cool for the summer”

– Demi Lovato –

It’s jarring how female pop stars are often aggrandized for writing songs about sexual experimentation. You have Katy with her “I Kissed a Girl,” Demi with her “Cool for the Summer,” and Halsey with, well… pretty much all of her songs. However, there isn’t one song about sexual curiosity sung by their straight male counterparts. I mean… there’s no way in hell Shawn Mendes will write a song about touching another man’s penis. Generally speaking, sexual experiments between two men are more frowned upon. For straight men, the slightest form of attraction towards another man is viewed as a detriment to their masculinity, which, apparently, can do tremendous damage to their sex appeal.

And to that, I say – Shit needs to change. Let’s have Nick Jonas and The Chainsmokers write a song about shaving each other’s butthole!

LII. The Guys Who Eye Fucked Me In A Korean Spa

“I think my personality is my best asset, but the eyes go to the boobs. But, like, my face isn’t too bad, I don’t think so.”

– Francesca Farago –

The eyes are the window to the soul. For homosexuals all over the world (myself included), the saying above resonates deeply with us. Our eyes are our primary arsenal to communicate our interest in the masc daddies standing across the bar. We spent years training ourselves to master the art of rapid room-scanning to identify our fellow homosexuals. Yes, this can also hold true for you heterosexual beings out there. However, for us homosexuals, there’s an extra layer of precaution we need to take, especially for us living in an extremely conservative place. For us, one flirtatious glance at the wrong person can lead to a face full of bruises or, worse, a few years in prison. So, the next time you notice a quirky-looking guy staring at you non-stop from across the room, please don’t be offended. He might just be a blogger who wants to write about doing the nasty with you. 

LI. The Guy Who Foolishly Chases Romance

“The lover lives the relationship with passion, devotion and romanticism. The loved one just likes to be adored”

– La Casa de Papel –

I was casually lounging in bed with a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon in my right hand. On my computer screen, a handful of thieves in a red jumpsuit wearing a Dalì mask are in the middle of an intense argument on the law of love. It wasn’t until Palermo, the egomaniac asshole who’s in charge of the robbery, enlightens everyone on his status as the “loved one” that made me thought of my past relationships. At first, I felt terrible for Helsinki, the war veteran with a tender heart who has a one-sided crush for Palermo. I thought, “oh great, another gay man who has unrequited feelings for a dickhead with commitment issues!” However, just like me in every relationship ever, Helsinki makes the choice of compromising his own needs for another physical validation by agreeing to a one-night stand with Palermo. And my question to that iswhy?

L. The Guy Who Took Me To See Tegan And Sara (The ParTy Series: Part II)

“Do you remember me as devout? How I prayed for your calls”

– Tegan and Sara –

Unrequited feelings are annoying as fuck. I understand that chemistry cannot be brute-forced, and there are many reasons for the absence of mutual attraction. Personally, the hardest pill to swallow in a relationship for me is knowing that the other person still has some baggage from their previous relationship. They might have some unresolved feelings or a deep emotional trauma caused by their abusive ex, or whatever it is that makes them hold back. The bottom line is that it’s unfair for you to be the only person fighting for the survival of your relationship. However, I also understand that sometimes, we can’t resist the urge to mate because we simply hate feeling alone. Some of us would rather withstand the abuse than being tormented by our unwanted thoughts when we’re alone. It’s a lose-lose situation. This is why I recommend y’all to simply marry your dildo. Although it might not fill the void in your heart, at least it will fill the void in your other hole.