XXIV. The Guy Who’s Got Hairy Bush

“Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ce soir) ?”

Basic Gay Flirting in French –

There’s something extra thrilling about having sexual encounters while you’re traveling, whether you’re with an exotic local or fellow travelers you meet in the bathroom of your hostel. I think it’s mostly because of the mutual understanding that everything that happens is temporary; meaning that you know that you won’t run into this power bottom you fisted in a dark alley a few nights ago at your local grocery store. There isn’t any possibility of bullshit relationship drama as the night only belongs to you, your allegedly-versatile latino lover, and the overwhelming smell of poppers. As dating apps are becoming more accepted by society,  it’s only fitting that sex tourism is becoming the new norm and I’m here for it (unless it’s child prostitution, that’s deplorable).  I do have one thing to say: please be mindful of the sea turtles and stop throwing your used condoms into the ocean after you’re done having your “aquatic adventure”. They. Deserve. Better.

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XXIII. The Guy Who Made Me Come Twice

“There is a direct correlation between your energy and your neighbor’s ride”

– SoulCycle –

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and tell myself “Wow, I’m so grateful that I’m a guy”  for one important reason: being naturally born with the options of penetrating a hole or being penetrated is awesome. I mean, sure, women get to experience penetrating someone wearing a strap-on dildo but I don’t think the experience is going to be the same using a real penis. But being a male homo sapien, you get to experience the best of both worlds, because why else would the Man (or Woman, according to Ariana Grande) above randomly put a G-spot deep down a man’s arse? More importantly, and this is no shade to all women out there, but I can’t imagine having to deal with blood coming out of my penis once a month; it seems like a hassle. And don’t even get me started on the entire process of giving birth. Seriously, I can’t even handle passing an extremely hard stool after a chili-centric dinner sometimes, let alone a fucking baby.

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XXII. The Guy Who Broke My Heart At Downtown Disney

“This goes out to, uh, you know who this goes out to”

– Calvin Harris feat. Big Sean –

Have you ever wondered how it feels like to be able to read someone’s mind? Sure, you can get some indications of someone’s true feeling through reading their body language or interpreting their verbal cues, but don’t you wish you can fathom why your date threw bullshit excuses your way after your seemingly successful first date? Was it because of your overly complicated past relationships? Or was it because of the extremely spicy Korean tofu soup he ate on the first date? Well, to the guy in this chapter, you’re in luck because you get to read my side of the story. And yes, I know you’ve been reading my blog and you’re aware that your chapter is coming up. So yeah, this goes out to you. Welcome to your chapter.

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XXI. The Guy Who Was My Classmate

“Be the nerd”

– Mark Zuckerberg –

There is a common belief that one homosexual can identify other homosexuals in a room simply by scanning their appearances and behaviors. The more popular term for this so-called psychic power is gaydar. I think it’s way more complex nowadays to identify a homosexual in a room full of strangers because people, especially straight guys, are becoming more open-minded to the concept of gender-nonconformity, thanks to the increasing amount of exposure to the LGBTQ+ community in the media. More straight guys are embracing and incorporating traditionally feminine colors in their outfit. Conversations about manscaping and skin care are becoming less of taboo subjects among heterosexual males. This is great and I am excited that we as a society are moving past this backward concept of gender binarism, but holy fuck… I can’t say I don’t miss the days where I could easily spot a gay guy simply by checking whether he followed the right earring rule or not. Almost every guy looks hella gay now and it confuses the fuck out of my fragile gay heart.

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XX. The Guy Whom I Fell For Online

“In the end, I’m gonna be alright, but it might take a hundred sleepless nights to make the memories of you disappear”

– LANY –

I think it’s especially common for people in the LGBT community to experience the pain of unrequited love, ranging from developing a hopeless crush with your straight roommate to falling head over heels for your best friend over an intense cuddling session. It’s harder for us to let go of that special someone who gives us butterflies (or to quote Hailee Steinfeld, the whole damn zoo) in our stomach simply because of the extra complications in our dating process. Statistically speaking, our dating pool is much smaller than our straight counterparts, making it more difficult for us to build a connection with someone else. Then add all these bullshit society norms to the equation, and you’ll get this group of distressed human beings with addictive personalities who are constantly craving for affection and validation.

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XIX. The Guy Who’s Got A Big Penis

“Fear is not evil. It tells you what your weakness is. And once you know your weakness, you can become stronger as well as kinder”

– Hiro Mashima –

It’s fascinating how most humans share the same functioning organs, but they naturally come in various shapes and sizes. There are some guys who literally have to sell their soul to the gym and still manage to look smaller than his neighbor who spends most of his nights on the couch watching the Bachelorette while munching on chips and salsa. There are some tops out there who wish he could have swapped penises with the hung guy he fucks every Saturday night. I wish there was a way where we could trade/transfer certain parts of our body to someone who needs it more, Pokémon style (because why not). I mean… if only I could transfer some of my body fat to the girls who want to transform their knockers to look more Pamela Anderson-esque. Wouldn’t it be cool?

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XVIII. The Guy Who Was A Russian Rice Queen

“My body’s like a seventh wonder, but it’s the millionth that he’s seen”

– Maty Noyes –

What is a rice queen, you might ask? According to Urban Dictionary, a rice queen is a “homosexual male of non-Asian descent who is predominantly attracted to Asian males”. On one hand, many claims that it is someone’s “preference” to only date people in their preferred race group, just like how someone who scores a six on the Kinsey scale prefers to exclusively have a same-sex relationship. On the flip side, some people argue that writing your racial preference on your dating profiles only amplifies the negative racial prejudices against certain racial groups. I have to admit, I often feel disheartened when I see a profile that says “Sorry, not into Asians”, especially in Los Angeles, a city that prides itself on diversity and acceptance. So here’s a piece of advice: instead of writing things that are negative in nature, try writing things that you are interested in. Trust me, writing about your interests in power napping and vegan burgers makes you exponentially more attractive than expressing your strong hatred for Asian guys.

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