XLIX. The Guy Who Came Over At 4AM (The ParTy series: Part I)

“Who needs to go to sleep, when I got you next to me?”

– Dua Lipa –

When I first listened to Taylor Swift’s mega-hit, “I Knew You Were Trouble,” I didn’t fully grasp its concept. I was a relatively naive boy with little to no dating experiences, and most of my encounters happened online. It’s challenging to spot a genuinely nice guy in a sea of heavily filtered pictures on the grid. Moreover, there’s only so much information you can get from a headless torso and generic bio. Your profile on social media is your opportunity to present the best version of yourself, and it’s relatively easy to hide your scandalous past. It’s especially hard to tell if a person has your best interest in mind when most people are more concerned about their own needs. And when you decide that the baggage they carry is too much for you, sometimes it’s too little too late

XLVIII. The Guy Who Paid Me For A BJ

“And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland, or sells love to another man”

– Ed Sheeran –

I’m no angel. I want to think that I am capable of analyzing a situation and logically weighing up the pros and cons of a decision. Yet often, there’s something about the thrill of living on the edge that transcends logic. I’m always drawn to follow my impulses that they become the driving force behind the excruciatingly painful self-contemplations at midnight. Why am I attracted to something, knowing that it will cause me pain? What is it about the immediate reward from doing something wicked that entices me to overlook the obvious aftermath of such action? Am I so emotionally damaged that I’m required to do things to the extreme to make myself feel alive? To quote a popular pop song by David Guetta, “why does it feel so good to be bad?”

XLVII. The Guy Whom I Kissed In A Circuit Party

“Don’t you know there’s part of me that longs to go into the unknown?”

– Idina Menzel –

This story happened a couple years ago. It comes from the perspective of yours truly, a twenty year old twink with a shady fake ID trying to pop his circuit party virginity. Circuit party for the gays is like Coachella for Instagram “influencers” and Burning Man for woke tech hippies. The gays prepare for these highly anticipated events for months, almost like they’re ready to face the zombie apocalypse. Some gays even fly thousands of miles away for these parties, especially the huge ones like Songkran in Bangkok or White Party in Palm Springs (#internationalwhore). From their body fat percentage to the jockstrap to flaunt their assets, everything has to be on point. Unfortunately for me, at that time, I came to this one party unprepared because I knew none of these things.

XLVI. The Guy Who Was Drunk In Love

“Goddamn, man-child, you fucked me so good that I almost said, ‘I love you'”

– Lana Del Rey –

At what point in your relationship would you feel comfortable talking about the next steps? Or worse, confessing your feeling toward the other person? Is there a set of deadlines one has to meet in a relationship? Say, if the other person hasn’t munched on your booty by the third date, does that mean your “situation-ship” is pretty much donezo? And how long do you have to wait until “red flags” emerge in a relationship? Although I’ve had years of experience in the dating department, I still haven’t been able to figure the algorithm to a successful relationship. Yet people keep saying that I should relax and go with the flowWell, bitches… what if the flow of my relationship brings me straight into a 10,000 feet waterfall? Shouldn’t I try to prevent myself from free-falling into the abyss of a broken heart? 

This is why people have been encouraging me to see a therapist.

XLV. The Guy Who Indulged In Scat Play

“If you play in the sewer, you’re bound to get some mud”-

– Tyler Oakley –

When I was little, never in a million years did I think I could fit an erect penis up my tuchus. The only things that had ever traveled through my cave of wonder were the waste products from all the McNuggets I digested throughout my life. I mean… for the longest time, I had assumed that my chamber of secrets, guarded by my lush jungle of pubic hair, was meant to be a one-way street. I wasn’t equipped with the knowledge of rectal douching, or more importantly, why it’s necessary for some specific occasions. I didn’t know there was such a thing called “bottom-friendly diet”, a diet specifically catered for bottoms to avoid unpleasant surprises. It’s a shame that I had to learn all of these from experiences, PornHub, and shady websites written by corporates pondering to the gays. Unfortunately, I didn’t know all of these before I invited my muse for this chapter for an afternoon quickie.

So ladies and gentlemen, buckle up because I’m about to present to you one of the shittiest sexperiences I had to endure (pun very much intended). Enjoy!

XLIV. The Guy Who Got An Altoid BJ And Ghosted Me

“Dating is a risk. The success rate is very low and I don’t like 90% of people, so it’s scary”

– Dorothy Wang –

These days, deciphering a secret message from a series of meticulously calculated emojis and punctuation is a popular pastime among the 21st century lovers who simply lack the proper knowledge to convey their thoughts in person. We have all seen and experienced it firsthand; every time I’m texting a new guy, my friends often tell me, “don’t put an emoji at the end of that sentence or else he’d think you want to bang him!” I mean… who would’ve thought that the absence of a wink emoji could dictate the course of a relationship? Gone are the days when two people underwent a breakup over a dramatic shouting competition on their flip phones. Instead, the modern way to distance yourself from your overly clingy boyfriend is to gradually stop sending kiss emojis and reducing the y’s in your “heyyyyy” until he stops bothering you with his 2AM “u up?” texts. And to that I say – what the fuck is wrong with us?!

XLIII. The Guys Whose Boat Capsized

“I don’t know about you, but I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all of this”

– Jack Dawson, Titanic

Happy No Nut November people! There are times in a gay man’s life when his dick appointments get cancelled, and the way he reacts to the universe blowing up his perfectly designed plans is a true testament to his thirstiness perseverance. Flaky guys are truly inevitable and although there are plenty of ways to mitigate the risk of being stood up, shit happens. Here are some tips to help you navigate the crazy world of modern dating and minimize the risk of you getting your heart broken by XLDaddyTop69:
– Don’t put all your eggs in one basket and always have a backup plan. Your hookup bail on you because his cat is having a stroke? Not a big deal when you have MascOnlyCumSlut and BussyDestroyer45 on your fingertips!
– Prepare a Spotify playlist in advance for you to cry your heart out should things go south. My recommendations include songs by Céline Dion, Robyn, and the criminally overplayed artist Ed Sheeran.
Buy a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and write about how your threesome plan got cancelled because of a capsized boat.