V. The Guy Whom I Had Sex With In A Sedan (Part 1)

“WARNING: The following show features stunts performed by professionals. Accordingly, MTV and the producers must insist that no one attempt to re-create or re-enact any stunt or activity performed on this show”

– Jackass –

Things can be complicated when your wallet is thin and your libido is high (I think this will be a recurring theme in my stories). When I just turned eighteen and discovered the world of gay sex, I wanted to explore every aspect of it as much as I could. It’s like when you were a little baby and got introduced to ice cream for the first time; you simply couldn’t get enough of it. And you wonder, “why do adult gay men act like reckless horny teenagers all the time?” Because when our straight counterparts got to experience high school romances, we were busy trying to stay under the radar by pretending to salivate over that one girl in high school with the biggest pair of boobs sitting at the popular kids’ table. Anyway, where am I going with this? 

IV. The Guy Whom I Met At A Private Sauna

“Every kiss begins with k”

– Kay Jewelers –

What’s a private sauna, you might ask? Imagine if all the amenities of a public sauna are all put together in a small room. You can basically rent the room on an hourly basis, and each room has its own wood sauna box, a shower, a jacuzzi, and a twin-sized mattress (only the cleaning ladies *bless their souls* and God know what people had done to/on those mattresses). The result? A perfect place for two sexually charged individuals to have a mischievous rendezvous. The establishment was probably built with good intention in mind, but you can’t help but think that the owner designed this place for cheaters like Donald Trump. (Ok, maybe not Donald Trump… his garage probably has its own private spa, in case he needs to host a small golden shower gathering with some low-end prostitutes). This place just screams, “somebody please have an affair here!”

III. The Guy Who Was My First Gay Crush (Prelude)

“Am I crazy or falling in love? Is it real or just another crush?”

– David Archuleta –

Have you ever starved yourself for a whole day? No food, no drink, nothing. Try drinking a glass of water the next day after you consume nothing for a day. Trust me, it will taste fucking fantastic. I keep wondering why that glass of water tastes so heavenly. Is it because I had been taking water for granted and not been aware of its taste? Is it because water had constantly been available within my reach? To me, this guy was my first sip of ice-cold water after being stranded in the Sahara desert for 18 years.

II. The Guy Who Took My Anal Virginity

“I believe it was the great American painter Bob Ross who said, ‘the key to a swollen vagina is… courage'”

– Katya Zamolodchikova –

I think by now, 98% of the human population understand that your anus is a one-way street. To this day, I still can’t understand how some people enjoy getting stuff shoved up their asshole. It’s a medical mystery. Sure, there is a scientific explanation on how anal sex can feel fucking fantastic (how our asshole has gazillion sensitive nerves blah blah blah). But think about it. To those of you who enjoy sticking your eggplant inside somebody else’s peach, when did you start staring at someone’s ass and thought “Aah… I’ll insert my disco stick in there and the world is gonna be a better place”?

I. The Guy Who Took My BJ Virginity

“Curiosity is the lust of the mind”

– Thomas Hobbes –

When you were ten years old, did you ever wonder how your first sex experience was going to be? I had always thought my first time was going to be magical, just like in one of those cheesy chick flicks where the lead character falls in love with their high school sweetheart and they end up having sex at the end of the prom night. Well, my first sex experience is very meh at best. I lost my BJ virginity when I was 18 years old, and this is how it happened.