“Curiosity is the lust of the mind”
– Thomas Hobbes –
When you were ten years old, did you ever wonder how your first sex experience was going to be? I had always thought my first time was going to be magical, just like in one of those cheesy chick flicks where the lead character falls in love with their high school sweetheart and they end up having sex at the end of the prom night. Well, my first sex experience is very meh at best. I lost my BJ virginity when I was 18 years old, and this is how it happened.
I was in my college library trying my hardest to work on an essay (as one college student did), and I stumbled upon a magazine which had an article about this online dating app called Grindr. To this day, I think this is the event where my life started going downhill. Oh man, if only I knew that this app is how I practically ruined my own self-worth, I wouldn’t download it in the first place.
I was scared. I remembered downloading the app and kept thinking:
“What if one of my friends is on this app? What if I end up meeting a serial killer and got murdered? Well, at least it would make for an interesting headline on the newspaper. ‘An Asian twink downloaded Grindr and got destroyed by a psychopath’. Oh wait, that sounds more like porn video title on Pornhub.
My own curiosity got the best of me. I ended up creating a profile (with no face picture, of course) and just like Taylor Swift in her ‘Love Story’ video, I was waiting for my knight in shining armor to save me and we would live happily ever after. I quickly learned a lesson about Grindr that still holds true to this day: Statistically, 99.95% of the gay population on Grindr will never send you a message if you have no face picture. Take note, kids.
Somehow, this guy in his mid-thirties initiated a conversation with me and asked me if I wanted to “meet up”. Being the innocent boy I was, I had no idea what to expect. Keep in mind that I was 18 years old at the time, and I had no prior sexual experience. So I started freaking out because I kept wondering about:
- What were we gonna do when we “meet up”?
- It’s 12 fucking AM!
- Where were we gonna meet? I didn’t have a car and I lived with my roommates. Keep in mind that this story was set in 2011 and Uber wasn’t really a thing yet.
- I WAS A VIRGIN!
I started freaking out and somehow the conversation became more sexual, but again, my curiosity got the best of me. I ended up inviting him to my place so we could meet up. At the time, I couldn’t care less about my own personal safety (hell, I somehow worried more about getting caught by my roommates for sneaking a guy into our place). Around 1:30 AM, I received a message on Grindr from the guy saying “I am here”, and I thought.. this is it. This is how I’m gonna die.
I warned him to stay quiet when he entered my place (by my place I mean house, not my asshole), and he obliged. I thought “damn, he’s good at this. He must have done this a few times at the very least”. We got to my room and started undressing each other, and he started kissing me. I thought:
“Oh, so this is what it feels like to kiss a man. It feels good! Ouch, his short beard kind of tickles but hey, this is fun!”
I felt liberated. Everything felt right at the moment.
We started taking each other’s underwear off and gave each other head. I had always thought that getting blown by someone was gonna be the best experience of one’s life. Whenever I see someone getting head in a movie or porn video, the one on the receiving end of the blowjob always seems to ascend to heaven for approximately 5 minutes before being brought back to earth when they have to muster all of their remaining energy to answer the silly question: “do you like it, babe?”
Don’t get me wrong, the blowjob was good. I remembered he whispered to me quietly, “is this really your first time? I can’t believe it. You’re really good at this!” Like someone in one of those motivation classes who just received the wisest and uplifting message from the motivator, I felt validated and more motivated to give the best head I could ever give.
What I am trying to say is that it wasn’t as amazing as I thought it would be. Maybe it’s because we didn’t have an intense emotional connection. Maybe because it’s 2 AM and we tried our best to do the deed quietly. Maybe it’s Maybelline (eh?)
Once we finished “satisfying” each other, we started getting dressed up and I escorted him to his motorcycle. We did end up fooling around again approximately twice after our first time “meeting up”. As I am trying to remember him now, I can’t help but remember him being kind and nice. Am I happy that he is my first? I don’t know. The past is in the past, and I can’t change anything about it.
Oh, did I mention that 2 months later I found out that he has a wife?