LX. The Guy Who Blew Me By The Beach

“What? You don’t love me for my subtlety”

– Julia Quinn, Bridgerton

Let’s talk about public sex. Generally, being naked in public is fantastic — exposing your body in its most primally vulnerable state to our mother nature can be liberating as fuck. But don’t get me wrong… I’m not an exhibitionist (I’m not trying to kink shame any of you). Unless you’re Timothée Chalamet, I detest the idea of my flat ass being objectified by some creepy dudes. And don’t get me started with my overwhelming stage fright and riddling anxiety of having strangers judge my dick-riding prowess. That said, public sex could be a truly magical adventure that I wish all of you could experience one day. Let’s just say that the only thing stopping me from blowing a stranger’s dick at the beach is the fear of going to jail for public indecency.

Does anyone want to buy me a private island with a pristine white beach where I can have biweekly, obnoxiously loud sex on?

Before I start, I want to apologize in advance for the consistent time jump in-between chapters. I know that it makes for an inconsistent timeline in my hoeing chronicle, and it can be confusing as fuck. But I’ve been in the mood to write something a bit more on the silly side. There won’t be any life-altering moral value you’ll learn from this chapter as this is a purely outlandish anecdote describing my experience of having sex by the beach. I figured we can all benefit from a laugh in these trying times.

I matched with this German guy on Tinder while I was on vacation in an undisclosed location (I have to censor this location due to the fear of being deported for promoting a queer-friendly lifestyle *wink wink*). And let’s say the word ‘subtlety’ was not in this guy’s vocabulary. Either he’s naturally gifted with naive confidence, or his brassy attitude was a direct result of his white privilege.

One fine evening, he invited me to meet him in his hotel resort for a drink. Because I was initially deceived by his seemingly not-so-insane dating profile, the thought of a pleasant time with a conventionally attractive guy and some alcoholic beverages by the beach didn’t sound like a bad idea. He was also visiting with his mother (this would play a minor part in the story development, trust me), so I arrived at his hotel with low expectation, thinking I wouldn’t even pull my dick out of my pants for the evening. And oh boy, was I wrong for underestimating what this German guy was capable of doing!

Don’t let an innocent face fools you

My German boy told me to meet him at the beach because he’s not ready to introduce me to his mom just yet. I arrived at the secluded beach with a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon in my right hand to find my tall, blonde German boy as the sole beachcomber in the area. We sat down and chatted for a little bit, and naturally, things got a bit steamy. Long story short, we were splashing around in the sea bathed in luscious moonlight in our skimpy swim attire. The thought of hotel staff wandering around and watching our scandalous act never crossed our minds as we couldn’t get our hands off each other. It was fucking hot, y’all.

But obviously, good things never last forever.

I am going to skip the usual segment where I write raunchy details of our nautical adventure. Instead, here is a compilation of some (questionably) controversial things that my German boy said or did:

  • He tried to insert my penis into his butt when the lower half of our bodies were submerged in seawater.

    Sex in the water sounds like everyone’s beloved sexual fantasy.

    However, in reality, submerged sexual fun is tough to execute properly. According to Men’s Journal magazine:
    “Not only is it difficult to get leverage for thrusting, or just to keep from taking a spill, but water is also the anti-lube, washing away natural moisture. This leads to ironically dry, fricative sex, which is extremely unpleasant and increases the risk of abrasions, broken condoms, and thus sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy. (The risk and sensation are worse in salt water than in fresh.)”

    Yeah, needless to say, my penetration skill was not advanced enough, so we decided to move things to the beach lounge chair instead.

    P.S. What about hygiene? What about the potentially murky water and marine microorganisms that might get shoved inside someone’s ass? The planktons did nothing to deserve such tragic death inside one’s bum!
Dear Stephenie Meyer, thank you for giving me such an unrealistic expectation of sex by the beach
  • “For an Asian guy, you’re an excellent kisser.”

    Here’s a seemingly genuine compliment that is borderline problematic and might be regarded as a racist statement. The backhanded compliment implies that Asian guys, in general, are horrible at kissing. Now, I don’t know whether he had a sufficient sample size to derive such a bold conclusion from. For all I know, the German guy might have tremendously bad luck with finding an Asian guy who knows the appropriate amount of saliva to exchange upon reaching the first base.

    As an adventurous soul who has sampled the lips of men of various races and ethnicities, however, I can confirm that one’s race does not play a factor in determining one’s tongue prowess.

    There are better ways to compliment someone’s kissing ability, and drawing a comparison to another person, or, in my case, an entire race group, is not the way to go. Nevertheless, my narcissistic side was elated to receive such meritless yet flattering praise. Apologies for disappointing you… At that moment, however, I was horny as fuck, and my penis was already sitting comfortably in his mouth. I have my own moments of weakness, don’t judge me!
At least not in front of my face
  • “I got Brazilian laser hair removal a couple years ago.”

    Ok, I have to admit… this one is not problematic at all. I totally forgot how and who brought this topic up, but I thought this particular confession was soooo random that I feel compelled enough to include it on this list. Don’t get me wrong… it’s his body, and he’s free to do whatever the fuck he chooses to do with it. This is purely a fascinating fact about him that I would like to point out.

    Besides, his body was probably the smoothest body I have seen in my entire life, so good for him!

    If anything, I was jealous that I wasn’t rich enough to afford such permanent smoothness on my genital. I mean… you’re telling me that I can get away with not having to manscape down there if I were a fucking billionaire?! Life is not fair!!
Never be ashamed of your fucking Brazilian laser treatment, y’all
  • “I’ll suck your dick, and you make sure no one sees us.”

    Sure, I played a significant part in putting myself in such a precarious situation, especially after the disturbing things my German boy had previously said and done. And it still baffles me to this day how I could risk everything I had meticulously built in my life for a messy make-out session and an above-average blowjob at a public beach. But I was fucking horny, and I blamed the hyper-romantic coastal ambiance I was in. In an alternate Twilight-Esque universe, this would be the kind of shit that belongs in a teenage girl’s wet dream.

    I am confident that multiple passersby were getting free, unsolicited softcore porn that night, and my German boy didn’t seem to be bothered by that at all. His sole aim was to please me, and boy was I impressed by his fellatio skills.

    Good thing he’s rich and could afford the luxury of a semi-private beach resort. Because a gay boy with a fragile body like me will not survive in jail.
Please don’t unfollow me on Instagram…
  • The German boy might be slightly delusional (?)

    For whatever reason, he kept fantasizing that this head-scratching lovely evening with moi would develop into something more serious. Laying his head on my bare chest, he randomly confided to me that he was a good judge of character. Ironically, he somehow managed to pick the trashiest guy on Tinder to invest his time in (yes, I’m pretty self-aware of my own brand, thank you very much!). I mean… am I the only one who thinks it’s bizarre how my boy got so emotionally attached to a stranger he blew by the beach twice?

    After returning to his homeland, my poor boy even told me he intentionally dismissed any possible suitors who expressed interest in him to pursue his prince charming, a discreet sex blogger with an affinity for trash reality TV. What a tragic one-sided love story, I know. All his antics might be appealing to someone, but I want to be *THE* pretty one in my relationship.

    And I know for a fact that I can’t compete with a guy who can afford Brazilian laser treatment.
But I mean… that blowjob, though…

Ok, maybe it was a bit harsh of me for mocking his wholesome fantasy, especially after he willingly swallowed my super fertile yet unsatisfying spunk. But I just can’t help it – he is one weird creature who marches to the beat of his own drum. And I don’t know if I would’ve been able to keep up with his lifestyle and become the man of his dream. #DouchebagAlert.

Do I feel bad for pulling the ultimate fuckboi move and slowly ghosting him? Yes.

Do I think I should have come clean with my lack of interest in pursuing a long-term commitment with the German boy? Absolutely.

It was the least I could’ve done after receiving sexual gratification from him without doing anything in return.

But man, it’s refreshing to be on the receiving end of someone’s aggressive pursuit for once. I was somehow drawn to this newfound dominance over someone and be the one making the calls in a relationship. I guess I have slowly turned into a fuckboi. And to my surprise, I love every second of it.

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