III. The Guy Who Was My First Gay Crush (Prelude)

“Am I crazy or falling in love? Is it real or just another crush?”

– David Archuleta –

Have you ever starved yourself for a whole day? No food, no drink, nothing. Try drinking a glass of water the next day after you consume nothing for a day. Trust me, it will taste fucking fantastic. I keep wondering why that glass of water tastes so heavenly. Is it because I had been taking water for granted and not been aware of its taste? Is it because water had constantly been available within my reach? To me, this guy was my first sip of ice-cold water after being stranded in the Sahara desert for 18 years.

When I got a reply on Grindr from this college-aged Caucasian guy, my heart skipped a beat. I kept thinking, “what did he see from me on my profile? how was he interested in talking to this clothed headless torso?” This was my first time interacting with another gay guy who was around my age, so I was nervous AF. Ok, I had probably talked to some closeted gay guys growing up, but at the time I didn’t know anyone who was openly gay. I grew up in a place where being gay was considered a taboo, so it made sense that no one I knew walked around dripping in glitter and waving their rainbow flag with pride. I mean, sure, there were some guys who looked suspiciously gay, but I don’t know… I was confused by my own sexuality and I was trying to figure things out. Let’s just say that I had not turned my gaydar on at the time.

We chit-chatted for a little bit and he finally asked me one of the most essential yet frightening questions a homosexual can ask on Grindr: “Got a face pic?”

When you were in the closet, you got scared of pretty much everything. There were multiple options that ran through my mind at that moment:

1. “Run to my bathroom immediately. Let’s muster all the sexiness I have and take the sexiest mirror bathroom selfie I can possibly take. Everyone LOVES a sexy mirror bathroom selfie, right? Now… should I go for the typical #masc4masc douchebag pose? I need to do some research…“
2. “Go online and search for the sexiest Asian guy picture I can find. What’s the harm in catfishing someone anyway? I know it’s immoral but… I am thirsty AF right now!”
3. “Go through my phone gallery and pick the cutest picture I have of me. But what if he’s the one who’s catfishing me? What if this guy is one of my scumbag friend who is alerted by my moderately feminine behavior and is trying to out me?”

I decided to go with option #3 because well, I like him. Sure, there was the possibility that he would deem me unattractive and left me alone, but I could not give a fuck. I wanted to get to know him.

He sent me his face picture first and holy shit… he was attractive. He looked like a skinnier version of Andy Murray (pictured below). Some of you might think, “wtf, he’s not that hot”. First of all, you are wrong. Secondly, he is an Olympic gold medalist. So yeah, he’s fucking hot.

At this point, I had a feeling that it’s over. I thought, “as soon as I sent my face pic, he’s probably gonna block me… I mean, which hot guy would wanna bang this dorky Asian nerd?”  I know I wasn’t hideous looking, but I didn’t look like one of those hunky muscular guys on the cover of Men’s Fitness. And don’t even get me started on my past fashion choices. If you google the phrase “Asian FOB”, a picture of my 18 years old dorky face will definitely pop up on the first page of the search results.

So I ended up sending my face picture, and to my surprise, he replied. I was mentally preparing myself for a response that looks like this:

“Hey, you’re ugly.. get the fuck out of here!”

I was completely shocked. Instead, he responded with this:

“Super cute!” 

Holy. Fucking. Shit. A guy who I was attracted to thought I was cute. I literally had to pinch myself a couple of times to make sure that I wasn’t hallucinating. Needless to say, I was ecstatic. When you were deprived of human attraction for so long, you couldn’t help to feel overwhelmed when someone is attracted to you. Let alone a hot guy who looks like Andy fucking Murray. I had never been more grateful for my parents’ genes.

Let’s just say that we ended up chatting for a while. However, he was seeing a guy at the time (he was in a super complicated relationship) so we didn’t really do anything other than chatting on Grindr. I was bummed that it didn’t really go anywhere, but I can’t forget that moment for the rest of my life. For a moment, I felt desired and that’s the only thing that mattered. He taught me that I am worthy of attention; that I am able to attract someone sexually.

Now you might think… that’s it? That’s the whole story? Well, the story doesn’t end here, but I’ll save it for another post because your boy here needs more materials to write about.

To be continued.