“Three is a charm, two is not the same, I don’t see the harm, so are you game?”
– Britney Spears –
When I was little, I felt that society shoved monogamy down my throat hardcore. Monogamous relationship was believed to be the norm and the only kind of relationship that would succeed in the long run; we were made to believe that fairytale romance exists and the vows we make at the altar are immortal. In reality, monogamy is proven to be quite a challenge as many people commit adulteries here and there, especially in the age of dating apps where we could find someone to entertain our genitals at any given moment. Personally, I had been disgusted by the idea of having an open relationship for the longest time since I was (and still am) an extremely insecure bitch. I still don’t know if I would allow myself to be in an open relationship right now, but hey, I have to keep an open mind, right? Lol but who am I kidding? I can’t even trap one boy to date!
Scoring your first threesome requires you to follow a tedious process that includes an excessive amount of planning and negotiation. First of all, one must have an impeccable leadership skill, as finding two other people who are available on short notice at 2 AM can be quite a challenge. Secondly, one must have a place that is available to comfortably accommodate the aforementioned festivity. In a city like Los Angeles where housing affordability crisis is always a thing, a comfortable venue to host your threesome can be quite elusive. Then, there needs to be a certain level of mutual attractions between all parties involved. I had been in a situation when a guy messaged me trying to initiate a threesome, only for it to fall through because the thought of me in my birthday suit was a boner killer for his boyfriend. On top of it all, everyone has their own preference when it comes to the stuff they like in bed, and sometimes you have to compromise your values for the collective enjoyment. This shit is complicated, you feel me?!
So when the opportunity to score my first threesome was handed to me on a silver platter, I didn’t hesitate to express my interest to participate in the festive occasion. The guy who offered me the opportunity of a lifetime was an attractive, rugged-looking Caucasian guy in his late 20s. I was a bit skeptical when he invited me to have a ménage à trois with his boyfriend (or fiancé? husband? I didn’t give a shit about their relationship status at that moment) since I didn’t know anything about player 3’s appearance. Being a polite homosexual with proper knowledge of Grindr etiquette, he sent me tantalizing pictures of his partner and I was immediately sold; the boyfriend turned out to be a beautiful guy of Asian descent who clearly appeared to have spent some time at the gym. The happy couple informed me that they were interested in exploring my backdoor and I thought, “did I just hit a threesome jackpot?” More importantly, I didn’t even need to stress out the logistics of our event as they had it all figured out; the only things I needed to contribute to the party were my charming personality and a fully-functional butthole.
He sent me his address and I immediately confirmed my attendance by letting him know that I was getting ready to clear the runway for takeoff. As I was busy preparing my peach for the party, I did notice that the name of his apartment complex sounded familiar. I felt like I had been in that complex once, but I could barely remember why I was there. I quickly dismissed any unnecessary speculation, however, as I had a more pressing issue to figure out that night. So I made my way to my car, took a last glimpse of myself in the mirror, pat myself on the back, and told myself, “You got this, you sexy beast. Now go and get yourself some sausages, you deserve to live your Britney Spears fantasy!”
As I was attempting to park my car on the street of his apartment complex safely, I couldn’t help but have some déjà vu moments. The quiet street, the gigantic palm trees, the sophisticated-looking parking garage… I tried figuring out why all of these seemed familiar but I just couldn’t come up with an answer. Just as I was trying to put all the puzzle pieces together, a handsome guy in a loose white T-shirt and a pair of grey sweat shorts opened the lobby door and greeted me with a hug. He didn’t immediately send me off after seeing me in the flesh and he invited me in to warm up because I looked pretty cold (there’s a subtlety to my flirting game. It’s all about the fine details, people). During our elevator ride, I could feel our sexual tension thicken as I caught him checking out the good good and his visible penis line became more and more apparent. Sweatpants are clearly God’s gift to the homosexuals!
The Asian boyfriend opened their apartment door and they both tried their best to be a good host and make me feel comfortable as I was awkwardly standing by the entrance door, replying all the usual conversation starters they threw my way. Although I felt slightly uneasy being in a new environment, there’s a small part of me that felt validated. Being surrounded by two equally attractive dudes who expressed their interest in deflowering my threesome virginity was definitely a huge ego boost! I thought, “damn, I guess my beauty caters to various market!”
I forgot how my journey to their master bedroom even began, but the next thing I knew, I was laying on my back seductively on their king bed, taunting my predators to prey on my innocence. Now, my friends, let me give you a lesson on threesome politics 101:
Having a threesome with people who are already in an established partnership is fucking amazing. No drama, no jealousy, 100% fun.
I didn’t know other people’s sentiment on threesome, but I could say with a conviction that my first threesome experience is marvelous. Being the fresh meat in the market, I received most, if not all, the attention from these beautiful boys. I was literally laying in bed doing nothing while I willingly let these boys play with their new toys. From removing my clothes to tossing my salad, these boys did them all with finesse and they made me feel like a king. I was also impressed by their teamwork and how supportive they were with each other, like how the Asian boyfriend lifted my legs so his partner could go to town on my back door. It did at one point, however, become slightly overwhelming since there were so many things happening at once, but hey, at least it’s not a bad problem for a bitch like me to have. Because what’s better than having a tongue all over your genital? Two tongues!
Although their lovemaking style differed quite a bit, I enjoyed both sessions equally. The Asian adonis was more direct and goal-oriented, meanwhile his rugged boyfriend was more passionate and affectionate. The pair was, in a way, economical that they made sure no hole went to waste; I felt like a broken pipe and they needed to constantly plug all the holes to stop me from leaking (gross metaphor alert!). I have to say that the best thing of our unholy triad was that we ensured that no one felt left behind. Every time two people were intertwined with each other, player 3 seemed to automatically understand his role as a support system and assisted the fornication in whatever way possible, from being a towel provider to a nipple fondler. For the first time in my life, I had witnessed a successful open relationship in the flesh, and that whole night changed my perspective on polyamorous relationships.
Remember when I told you there’s more to chapter XIX? Well, here’s the continuation to that infamous walk of shame. Feel free to revisit chapter XIX to give you more context on what I’m going to tell you.
After the festivity ended in multiple eruptions from all parties involved, I asked for directions to the bathroom to wash the sins away rinse various kinds of body fluids off my body. We chatted for a bit while I dried myself and I expressed my gratitude for their holistic services. I put my clothes on, hugged them goodbye, and was ready to exit the apartment for my walk of shame. I took one last glance at the apartment and that’s when it finally hit me:
I’ve been here before.
Because I was an awkward bitch who knew no dignity and boundary, I blatantly told the couple about my epiphany, and below is how the conversation unfolded:
Me: “This place seems really familiar, why do I feel like I’ve been here before?”
Guy 1: “Ah, you’ve probably met [Guy XIX’s name].”
Me: “Oh, you guys know him?”
Guy 2: “Yeah, he’s our roommate, but he’s not in town at the moment.”
Everything started to come back to me. Yes, I had been here before. Yes, I had a sexual intercourse under this very same roof. And yes, this couple had seen me with my bed hair after their roommate turned me into a hot mess. And there I was… making a reappearance at their door and servicing the same people judging my awkward exit. It’s truly a full circle moment. Do you now see why you need to learn a proper technique to gracefully leave from a Grindr/Tinder hookup? Because you never know who you might run into, and in my case, I ran into the two people whom I experienced my first threesome with. It’s funny how fate works sometimes, huh?
A three-of-a-kind and a pair; I scored a full house, baby!
SquirtTale 