XVIII. The Guy Who Was A Russian Rice Queen

“My body’s like a seventh wonder, but it’s the millionth that he’s seen”

– Maty Noyes –

What is a rice queen, you might ask? According to Urban Dictionary, a rice queen is a “homosexual male of non-Asian descent who is predominantly attracted to Asian males”. On one hand, many claims that it is someone’s “preference” to only date people in their preferred race group, just like how someone who scores a six on the Kinsey scale prefers to exclusively have a same-sex relationship. On the flip side, some people argue that writing your racial preference on your dating profiles only amplifies the negative racial prejudices against certain racial groups. I have to admit, I often feel disheartened when I see a profile that says “Sorry, not into Asians”, especially in Los Angeles, a city that prides itself on diversity and acceptance. So here’s a piece of advice: instead of writing things that are negative in nature, try writing things that you are interested in. Trust me, writing about your interests in power napping and vegan burgers makes you exponentially more attractive than expressing your strong hatred for Asian guys.

It’s somewhat refreshing for me to see this next guy’s profile in the sea of “No Blacks, No Fems, No Asians” guys on Jack’d. He’s a typical West Hollywood Caucasian gay guy with his bright colored deep cut muscle tank and his immaculately styled hair. Oh, and let’s not forget to talk about the topless selfie in the gym bathroom, because no Grindr/Tinder profile is complete without at least one crotch-holding, topless gym selfie. But seriously, do WeHo gays even sweat when they work out? Or do they come to the gym just to check out other gays? How do they come out of the gym looking like models who just finish their shoot with Men’s Fitness? I guess botox really is a good investment.

Anyway, as much as his body enticed me, the one thing he wrote on his profile that piqued my curiosity is this:

“Asian guys move to the front of the line”

The eighteen years old me got super excited. I thought, “Yass henny, I finally found someone who is going to truly appreciate this exotic Orientalesque skin! Come to mama and let me serve you these buns!” However, I’m a completely different man now. If you ever come up to me on our first date and go all “omg, I love Asian guys”, then we’re done. I mean, sure, you can have your racial preference and I won’t judge, but I would hate to be reduced to my squinty eyes and inclination for STEM subjects. I especially hate those people who tell me, “you’re very attractive for an Asian guy!” I mean, what are you trying to say? Are you saying that most Asian guys are not sexually attractive? Just please, don’t do it, guys.

But I was a careless twink desperate for affections, and he managed to show me basic human decency, which sadly, not many male homosexuals in Los Angeles had. At the time, I thought he genuinely cared for my well-being and not just the amount of pubic hair around my asshole. Plus, he’s pretty attractive, so I didn’t see many reasons for me not to spread my legs in front of him to present my bum for his personal consumption.

One night, I agreed to drive to his place for an adult slumber party. Knowing that my date was into Asian guys, I assumed that he admired stereotypical gaysian features: skinny, smooth, and slightly modest demeanor. So I decided to remove most of my body hair to make myself looked like a skinny adult baby. What can I say, I was committed to the cause. This information is by no means important to the story, but I thought you would like to know.

To be honest, the sex was so ordinary that I could barely remember any of it, except for the fact that I need to throw my self-worth out of the window once I stepped inside his house. It’s actually a one bedroom apartment that he “magically” transformed into two “bedroom” apartments. For those of you who don’t know, living in Los Angeles is expensive. With the extra expenses you need to live the LA lifestyle, people tend to get creative in order to make ends meet. Some people resort to doing porn. Some people go online looking for sugar daddies. A few people go to Craigslist looking for a guy who wants to pay for someone to urinate on him.

So yes, I didn’t even get the luxury to be penetrated in a legitimate bedroom. He rented out his own bedroom in Airbnb to the ever-present LA tourists while he slept in the living room that he converted into a bedroom. I had to constantly worry about a random person walking in on me butt-naked. Basically, I was one Japanese-style room divider away from these unfortunate LA visitors to hear me moaning in pleasure that was only matched by the constant squeaking sound from the rusty metal bed frame.

We didn’t get to meet again because basically, he wanted to have me all to himself and I refused his offer. I mean, if you want to own me, you need to, at the very least, take me to dinner and own your bedroom. I cannot constantly worry about people from all over the world walking on me on all fours while my asshole is ready to bloom like a rosebud. But in all seriousness, I did not think our attraction for each other went past our physical appearances. I did, however, run into him at one of the gay bars in West Hollywood, and to no one’s surprise, he’s holding an Asian guy’s hand. I couldn’t help but wonder if he only saw me as another replaceable gaysian with slanted eyes and a slightly higher level of melanin.

I sometimes long the old days where people meet at a cute rustic bookstore and go to a drive-in cinema on their first date instead of a BJ in a living room.