XXI. The Guy Who Was My Classmate

“Be the nerd”

– Mark Zuckerberg –

There is a common belief that one homosexual can identify other homosexuals in a room simply by scanning their appearances and behaviors. The more popular term for this so-called psychic power is gaydar. I think it’s way more complex nowadays to identify a homosexual in a room full of strangers because people, especially straight guys, are becoming more open-minded to the concept of gender-nonconformity, thanks to the increasing amount of exposure to the LGBTQ+ community in the media. More straight guys are embracing and incorporating traditionally feminine colors in their outfit. Conversations about manscaping and skin care are becoming less of taboo subjects among heterosexual males. This is great and I am excited that we as a society are moving past this backward concept of gender binarism, but holy fuck… I can’t say I don’t miss the days where I could easily spot a gay guy simply by checking whether he followed the right earring rule or not. Almost every guy looks hella gay now and it confuses the fuck out of my fragile gay heart.

When you live in a city like Los Angeles, you expect to be surrounded by beautiful human beings at all time. Unfortunately, that was not the case for me. Being a student of the STEM subjects, my chance of meeting a universally deemed attractive human in the classroom was slim to none. I am not trying to make a hasty generalization here, but based on my personal observations, this group of people with strong inclination for science seems to care less about the public perception of them. And I’m not talking about having defined abs or walking around school with a Louis Vuitton backpack. A few of these people legitimately looked like they had not showered in a few days. And statistically speaking, the STEM fields are predominantly filled by straight men (again, this observation is purely based on my personal experiences). So yeah, to recap, you can’t really blame me for my utter lack of attention to my classmates because:

  • It’s imperative for me to maintain a good grade just simply to maintain my credibility as an Asian.
  • There’s barely anyone worth paying attention to. Seriously, one time in my math class, I sat next to someone who clearly had not showered in the morning and I could smell his bad breath when he yawned. I firmly believe that experience should automatically warrant me a minimum grade of B+ in that class. Seriously, nobody deserves to smell stinky breath at 8 AM.
  • Did I mention that probability theory class is hard as fuck?


Anyway, it’s safe to say I did not spend the majority of my time in class checking Grindr to prove my conviction that I was the only homosexual in the room. And yes, I was that bitch who always sat at either the front or middle row in class, and I didn’t want to look like a thirsty hoe who needed to constantly turn my head around to survey the room in the quest of finding an eight-inch dick. I mean, if you had already spent a lot of money to pay for your tuition fee, you might as well want to fully maximize your money’s worth by paying attention to whatever your lecturer tells regardless of its barely existent “added value” to your life in five years (#justsaying).

I did, however, notice this relatively stylish guy in my class who was equally thirsty for attention ambitious as me who was constantly rocking his immaculately styled hair, the kind of hair that would be deemed too extra fancy for an 8 AM math class. In hindsight, I should have befriended him because Jesus knew how bad I needed help with that class. You know… we could have had a cute after-hour “study session” *wink*. However, my competitive nature, my acute resting bitch face, and my overly humongous ego took priority over my thirst for dick need for help, so I decided to act tough and pretended to be that bitch who appeared to have his shit together in class. Plus, what if I decided to make moves on him but he kept rejecting my advances? Or worse, what if he was actually straight? I would still need to see him every day and basically, be trapped in a cage of shame.

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My valiant effort didn’t fully go to waste as I passed the class with a solid grade, and I planned to fully celebrate my freedom from my never-ending quest of “finding x” (that’s a math reference, you illiterate fuckers) by having my friends from out-of-town staying at my place for two weeks and doing basic touristy LA stuff. One night, I was checking Grindr as one gay usually does and, lo and behold, I stumbled upon my classmate’s profile.

Holy. Fucking. Shit. Where had he been this whole time?? Why didn’t I see his profile on Grindr when we were still in class together?

We ended up talking and he had the audacity to acknowledge his lack of awareness of my existent in class. Well, in his defense, I was constantly serving hobo chic realness in class that I would be surprised if anyone ever noticed me. I wasn’t surprised when he also told me how he passed the class with an A because he’s the type of student whom the lecturer constantly sought validation from. For God’s sake, my lecturer even knew his usual coffee order. At one point, he messaged me:

“My bad, I should’ve noticed your cute face and toned body sooner ;)”

So yeah, we both blew our chances at blowing each other. He told me he’s in a “complicated” relationship with his boyfriend and as much as he wanted to “play” with me, it would be difficult to figure out the logistics. I, on the other hand, was busy being a tour guide good friend and at the time, I wasn’t out to my friends yet so I couldn’t possibly sneak out at 2 AM for a dick appointment. I guess you can say that our stars did not align. But hey, if only I wasn’t so socially awkward and had the self-esteem to introduce myself to him, maybe this story would end with a steamy makeout/blowjob session in the campus bathroom? We’ll never know…  

I guess dating is just like a math equation. No matter how much thought you put into a relationship, you’ll always end up with nothing if you do nothing, because anything multiplied by zero will always result in zero.

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