“Living in California, everyone learns to adapt their actor or actress within”
– Courtney Carola –
There seems to be a general consensus in the gay community that the most (widely acknowledged) attractive age range for gay men is between 22 to 28 years old. At the age of 22, you finally start having your shit together after you have been
legally able to enter gay bars for a year and have banged approximately 35% of the gay population in your town. At the age of 28, you start questioning your existence in the local gay bar past midnight while desperately hunting for some man-meat. Coincidentally, it’s the same age range where civilized human beings are the most ambitious yet vulnerable, in a constant state of figuring out your place in society. That’s the age range where you (hopefully) are carving your career path while having biweekly mental breakdowns. Ok, I honestly don’t know where I am going with this.
It’s no secret that some people lie about their age on their online dating profile to make themselves more desirable. I think the general rule of thumb here is if you see an online dating profile that doesn’t have their age listed on it, they are most likely over 30 years old. No shade to older people, but this is solely based on my personal experiences using online dating apps, and I believe I have the credential to share my observation since I’ve been on Grindr for over 5 years now. With these sites having an “age filter” feature, it’s becoming more tempting for people to lie about their age on these sites to make themselves more discoverable.
I was surprised when this 29 years old guy responded to my message on Grindr with “hey cutie“. He was a certified hottie with an amazing style. He’s one of those guys who could easily rock beige fedora with a floral short-sleeved shirt, and he’s got the type of body that made me drop to my knees faster than Dora the Explorer trying to find her next destination. We chit-chatted for a little bit and he told me he worked as an interior designer. I thought, “ah, that explains his fashion choices. I guess he’s not another typical aspiring actor living in West Hollywood“. Needless to say, things got sexual pretty fast, and next thing I knew he sent me nudes that got me completely mesmerized. It’s one of those full-frontal mirror selfie nudes that was super inviting, and he’s got that cocky smile that screamed: “get down on your knees and suck on this dick“. Fast forward to an hour later, he got to my apartment in a grey linen suit and a Topman pink floral shirt.
“Hey, I have that exact same floral shirt! Look!“, I said to him as I was showing the inside of my closet.
“That means you have a great sense of style“, he flirtatiously replied.
We didn’t waste a lot of time to get completely butt-naked. He’s got a perfectly sized dick that is “manageable” on a daily basis; it’s not small yet it’s not humongous. I don’t understand those size queens who refuse to ride anything under 7 inches long (around 18 centimeters). First of all, how do you manage to keep your rectum from tearing and prolapsing? Secondly, do you follow a strict high-fiber diet? (P.S. I hate those people who can eat Burrito Supreme with Diablo Sauce and still manage to ride monster-sized dicks into the sunset). Lastly, what kind of butt and kegel exercises do you do to ensure your calf muscles won’t give up on you post-coital? If you know the answers to the questions above, feel free to comment down below. Hook a brother up!
Don’t get me wrong, I am not a big fan of micropenises myself, but I am definitely not a size queen. I think it all depends on how the person uses the penis attached to their body. And boy oh boy… this guy knew how to use his very well. We did it pretty much everywhere in various positions.
- Blowjob in the shower? Checked.
- Doing it on my bed? We tried at least 5 different positions.
- Getting fucked on my desk while I was laying on my back? Checked. (P.S. he said, “I’ve always wanted to fuck you on that desk since I saw it“)
- Picking me up while putting my legs on his shoulders as he was fucking me so I looked like a baby monkey holding onto his mother for dear life? Abso-motherfuckin-lutely checked.
Unfortunately, he’s one of those guys who only showed up when they needed you, and at the time, I didn’t want to seem too attached and scared him off. I thought, “hey, getting his dick once every month is always better than getting no dick at all” (#priorities). We talked about actually going on a “proper” date for once, and I remember he said, “well, I won’t be able to concentrate on anything since I will be constantly staring at your booty thinking about slapping it hard in public”. I don’t remember what exactly happened, but I lost contact with him.
Fast forward to two years later, I received a friend request on Facebook from this guy. I accepted his friend request immediately so I could commence my stalking session ASAP. One of his friends posted a photo album of his birthday recently, but I noticed it’s not just a regular birthday party… it’s his 40th birthday party. What. The. Fuck. If my math wasn’t wrong, he was 38 years old when I first saw him. I mean… his age isn’t the main problem here since I obviously had fucked a much older guy before. But I don’t know… I thought I knew him well? It just sucks when you feel like you know someone pretty well but you end up getting blindsided, and you start questioning every single thing that they have said.
I just stalked his Facebook profile again recently (obviously I was only trying to remember the details of our interactions for research purposes. I swear I’m not a psycho bitch! At least not yet…), and he just got into a relationship with a guy who looked like a recent high school graduate. I’ve always known that I’m petty AF; when I see someone who had a chance with me but chose to pass up on me and ended up dating someone else, I can’t help but compare myself to them. On top of that, if I see that other bitch’s appearance (Surprise… I’m also superficial as fuck) is not, at the very least, on the same level as me, I would start questioning my own personality and keep figuring out why he chose to pass up on this beauty for a better “personality”.
This is no shade to his current boyfriend and everyone is beautiful in their own way, but what the actual fuck?! Like, really? You don’t wanna date me but you end up dating someone MUCH younger than me?
In retrospect, I don’t think that third glass of wine was a very good idea.