XXXIV. The Guy Who Gave Me A Mindblowing BJ

“A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is”

– Barbara Bush –

Let’s talk about oral sex. Frankly, I’m not sure why some people (myself included) would go the extra mile to stuff their mouth with a humongous penis. I’m even more confused with people who waste too much energy on pleasing mediocre penises with their tongue. What’s the objective there? Why do we risk putting bacteria and STDs inside our bodies to please a random guy in the bathroom of a dive bar, fully aware of the possibility of acting like total strangers when we run into the same guy in broad daylight? What does that say about us? Are we really desperate for validation that we resort to playing STD Russian Roulette? And all those self-devaluations… for what? Some jizz in our mouth?

I wasn’t planning to meet anyone when I logged on to Grindr that night until this guy in his early 30s messaged me, asking me if I wanted to accompany him in his hotel room on his last night in LA. Not fully sold on his invitation, I asked him his intention with me, to which he replied, “I want to suck your dick and you don’t have to return the favor.” To be perfectly honest, I’m not the kind of guy who can easily emit white creamy substances from some tongue actions (don’t ask me why; it’s just not my cup of tea). With that said, I was fully embracing my businessman persona that night and I wasn’t gonna let this good deal slide. I mean… when you’re offered physical satisfactions at the cost of $6 worth of gas and parking fee, you can’t say that it’s not a good deal, so I immediately said yes to his proposal with no negotiation required. Now that’s what I call The Art of the Deal; eat your heart out, Donald Trump!

Please tweet this to Donald Trump! My twitter account is @squirttale

He instructed me to come straight to his hotel room at the Courtyard Hotel in Century City and I complied with his request without any hesitation. Fifteen seconds after I messaged him to notify my arrival, he opened his door and I was greeted with a hug from his semi-naked body; the only things that separated our penises were his towel, my jeans, and my neon green Calvin Klein underwear. I thought, “damn, this guy is ready to showcase his oral prowess to give my penis the ooh ah ah sensation!” I couldn’t fathom it myself, but there’s something about his eagerness that catalyzed the stiffening process of my willy (what can I say, nothing gives me an erection faster than validations from strangers). It didn’t take long for him to undress me and started working his oral magic all over my body. This guy clearly showed his enthusiasm in showcasing his oral skill and I couldn’t be happier about his eagerness.

Once my penis entered his mouth, I was ascended to the BJ heaven. There’s something about the plumpness of his lips that made me feel like I was being serviced by an adult baby with no teeth (I’m truly grossed out by my own writing sometimes. Apologies in advance for the grotesque imagery I just implanted in your brain). His thick lips acted as both an ultimate cushion for my ding-a-ling to comfortably rest on and an impenetrable barrier that shielded the ultra-sensitive muscle nerves on my shaft from the hostile aggressions coming from the sharp edges of his teeth. Adding the orgasm-inducing hand movements and the perfect amount of suction pressure to the equation, his oral skill was the epitome of fellatio excellence.

He Monica Lewinsky-ed my dick realllll good

After fifteen minutes of him demonstrating his oral mastery, I felt the unimaginable yet inescapable thing was going to happen; I was about to ejaculate in his mouth. Here’s the thing… I wasn’t sure if it would ruin the moment if I asked him about his level of comfortability in taking semen down his throat but at the same time, he didn’t display any sign of discomfort either. Being an avid reader of body language myself, I was quite sure that he wouldn’t mind having a direct injection of natural human-sourced protein in his mouth. Even after I warned him about the possibility of the aforementioned event happening as I was trying my best to delay my volcanic eruption, he showed no intention in stopping his oral work on my willy. And then it happened… I exploded in his mouth and it felt fucking fantastic. All those sperm cells were happily swimming in his mouth and high-fiving their new neighbors, his saliva (ok even I have to admit this imagery I gave you is gross AF).

When I tried to return the favor, he politely declined my offer, saying that he had everything that he wanted. Feeling confused yet slightly relieved, I put on my clothes and showed my gratitude to my oral therapist by giving him a friendly hug. I closed his door and left his hotel without turning back.

To this day, I still don’t get what that guy got out of that nonreciprocal oral transaction. I’ve seen my penis in the mirror a million times and I don’t think its beauty is out of this world (don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty pleased with its form but I don’t think it will win any prestigious award). I also don’t believe my white fluid contained uniquely mouthwatering flavor profile (at least it doesn’t taste remotely close to orange juice after brushing your teeth). And if, for some mind-boggling reasons, he believed in getting his daily dose of protein from his fellow homo sapiens, well… he picked the wrong guy because my diet mainly consisted of iced coffee and Chinese takeouts. So yeah… he would only be getting artificial-flavoring-filled semen from me.

Accurate representation of my Saturday night

As someone who’s been on both the giving end and the receiving end of oral sex, I feel like I have the credibility in giving you a couple tips (pun very intended). There’s so much more to the art of fellatio than chaotically moving your mouth up and down a guy’s schlong. Assuming that the oral festivity you are about to partake in is the result of a consensual decision from all parties involved, below are some tips from yours truly that might help you achieve superior oral pleasure:

  • Pay attention to both verbal and nonverbal cues from your sexual partner(s). Some guys might prefer more delicate tongue actions, while others prefer an extensive involvement of teeth stuff (I’m definitely not one of them). The only way to find out what stimulates your partner is their verbal affirmation and body language. If you notice that your partner constantly hisses in agony while you’re tightly gripping their penis like a dumbbell, you might want to loosen up that grip.

  • Know the difference between a circumcised and uncircumcised penis. This might directly correlate to the amount of lubrication needed for pleasure; generally, penises with no foreskin require more liquid substances to reduce the friction around the glans area because that area, just like myself, is sensitive as fuck. This knowledge definitely comes with experience, so if you feel like you are behind in this subject, you need to suck more dicks.

  • Feel free to mix things up. Add some hand movements. Alternate between gentle tongue actions and rough suctions around the head. Nobody likes the feeling of doing it with a monotonous robot. If this Autoblow can use artificial intelligence to provide variation in its movements, so can you.

  • Identify your objective early. I’m not exactly the most spontaneous bitch (I know… what a surprise!) and I like to plan my night out so I can be prepared for all aspects in the oral conference, such as quality assurance, return on investments, and exit strategies. If I know my partner rarely ejaculate from getting his microphone blown, I won’t waste an hour trying to please him while I risked getting a dislocated jaw.

  • Most importantly, have a good time! Life is too short for you to pretend to choke on a subpar penis to make someone happy. You don’t have to stuff your mouth with a penis if you don’t want to. You can be a ho, but at least try to be a dignified ho.

I sometimes wish my surname was Ho so everyone could refer to me as Mr. Ho
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