“Sex will give you STDs, friendships are fucking fake, relationships will cheat on you, family will disown you… pizza is forever”-
– Trisha Paytas –
Judging from the quote above that I picked from the lovely Miss Trisha Paytas, an iconic YouTube content creator and my personal spirit animal, I know you might be thinking, “wow, this chapter is gonna be dramatic as fuck!” Well… the only way for you to find out is for you to hit that “Continue Reading” button below! But before you do that, don’t forget to click the subscribe button and like this chapter! You can also follow me on Instagram, @squirttale, for your daily dose of outrageously funny memes! (Damn… look at me killing the shameless plug game!)
There were times when the direction of my thumb movement on Tinder was heavily influenced by someone else’s appearance or the persona they portrayed on their profile. I would like to think that I have changed for the better now as I have learned that there are other factors that contribute to a successful relationship other than one’s body fat percentage and social media followings. But hey… there were countless homosexuals in Los Angeles and I ain’t got no time to inspect everyone’s profile one by one. So when I matched with this guy on Tinder, I hadn’t conducted my usual light-to-moderate stalking (you know, just to make sure I wasn’t meeting a serial killer) and the only thing I knew about him was his rugged look, funky-looking hair, and goofy smile. Basically, he looked like a stereotypical hipster gay from the tragically hip neighborhood of Silver Lake who seemed chill but loved to pin you up against the wall and dominated your ass.
When the topic of occupation was brought up, however, he was pretty hesitant to share anything pertaining to his walk of life. He doubled down on his reluctance when I assured him that I wouldn’t report his promiscuous behavior to his HR manager. Eventually, he replied:
“I just don’t want to freak you out, that’s all. But yeah, I make videos on YouTube”
When you have a moderately strong online presence, it’s not hard for people to discover some information about you. So with a simple Google Search and a sprinkle of dedication, I was able to find most of his social media accounts and his YouTube channel. And just like that… I began my borderline creepy investigation of my YouTube boy to discover any relevant information that could potentially prepare myself for a mental breakdown, should things go south. I’m not going to reveal his identity here as I’m not trying to turn my blog into an exposé, but let’s just say he’s a musician who managed to garner sufficient views on YouTube. His music wasn’t exactly my cup of tea, but at the same time, I was pretty intrigued by his story and more importantly, what’s hiding underneath his shirt (this boy knew what he was doing with his thirst traps). Let’s just say those two factors alone were sufficient enough to grant him a first date with me. Didn’t I tell you I was vain as fuck?
One Friday night, he insisted to meet me at my humble abode regardless of his lack of viable mode of transportation. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting to take him straight into my bedroom since he had the decency to ask me some “normal” pre-first-date questions. However, since we’re meeting at my place, you can’t blame me for trying to be extra prepared (and by being prepared I mean making sure that my runway was clear for landing). Because let’s be honest here… it’s very rare for two homosexuals to meet after 9PM to play scrabble (unless we’re talking about strip scrabble, which actually sounds pretty fun) We hadn’t even had the conversation about our preferences in bed, but hey, I just wanted to be prepared for every scenario. #relatable
When he notified me on his arrival, I came down to my apartment’s lobby and greeted him with a hug. Sporting a black t-shirt and a pair of skinny jeans, this guy looked charming AF; it’s no surprise that he worked in the entertainment industry. It’s relieving that after chatting with him for a minute or so, I could safely conclude that in real life, he’s exactly like the persona he created for YouTube. When he requested for an apartment tour, I didn’t hesitate to take him straight to the crown-jewel feature of my apartment building: the rooftop pool. At first, I was gonna take him straight to my bedroom, but he seemed like a guy who took things slow, so I went along with his game. Two could play this love game and this bitch needed to play coy to win, ok?
So there we were… lounging by the pool as we were getting to know each other better accompanied by the gorgeous view of LA skyscrapers at night. Sounds very romantic, huh? For a while, we did talk about our background and aspiration, him being the cliché aspiring artist trying to make it in the biz and me being the confused FOB, dazzled by glitz and glamour of Hollywood. Just when I thought I might found the one, he, out of fucking nowhere, he gave me this intense look like there’s something on my lips. And the next thing I knew… he started attacking my lips with his. And the next thing I knew… things got super intense that we came close to doing things that get people arrested for public indecency. And the next thing I knew… we were both fully naked in my bed. Talk about a plot twist everyone saw coming!
The events proceeding our short Bachelor-esque date were pretty, for lack of a better word, standard; we made out with our dicks out (see how it rhymes? I’m such a talented poet!) and we took turns stationing our dicks in each other’s mouth. One thing that I noticed about his approach in lovemaking was his aggressiveness; let’s just say that the boy loved being in charge. During most of our times in bed, he was the one who was giving a set of instructions and although it was awkward at times following orders from a stranger, I was more than happy to oblige. Due to his dominant nature in bed, I fully expected to perform some squats on his baton and I wasn’t opposed to the idea. However, to my surprise, as he was performing his oral techniques on my ears, he whispered:
“I want you to fuck me”
I was already in too deep (pun intended) with this guy that I would feel rude if I told him to sashay away with his asshole up in the air. So there I was… mindlessly moving my hip back-and-forth as I was trapped into inserting this guy’s hole. It’s definitely not how I thought I would spend my Friday night! Ok, I’m being overdramatic here as the sex itself wasn’t too bad, but it just felt like a workout session with your personal trainer as he was constantly saying motivational shit like “faster!”, “kiss me!”, and “harder!” The fornication process felt like a more exhausting version of a SoulCycle class.
Our post-coital conversation felt more awkward than Logan Paul’s YouTube career, and he left my place shortly after he received a notification from his Uber driver. It’s safe to say that we wouldn’t be making a couple YouTube channel after that night. Don’t get me wrong… it’s not that I didn’t enjoy penetrating someone’s backdoor, but with the public persona he portrayed online, I was expecting something else to happen. To sum it up, I was being an ignorant dumbass who created a preconceived notion of someone based on a 7-minutes video on YouTube. As a self-proclaimed expert in social media investigation, I felt the need to retract my claim and reevaluate my decisions in life. To my dear friends whom I had given relationship advices to, I’m truly sorry for misleading you and making you think that I’m like the Miss Cleo for male behaviors.
P.S. With all the stories I have on my blog so far, maybe I should consider being a YouTuber? Too bad I wouldn’t be able to monetize my videos since they’re mostly gonna be explicit as fuck.
P.P.S. sorry for the clickbait-y intro! I figured it might be appropriate since that’s one of YouTubers’ marketing strategies to get views #shade