“Every kiss begins with k”
– Kay Jewelers –
What’s a private sauna, you might ask? Imagine if all the amenities of a public sauna are all put together in a small room. You can basically rent the room on an hourly basis, and each room has its own wood sauna box, a shower, a jacuzzi, and a twin-sized mattress (only the cleaning ladies *bless their souls* and God know what people had done to/on those mattresses). The result? A perfect place for two sexually charged individuals to have a mischievous rendezvous. The establishment was probably built with good intention in mind, but you can’t help but think that the owner designed this place for cheaters like Donald Trump. (Ok, maybe not Donald Trump… his garage probably has its own private spa, in case he needs to host a small golden shower gathering with some low-end prostitutes). This place just screams, “somebody please have an affair here!”
So what does it have anything to do with the story? This story began with an innocent conversation between my eighteen years old self and this five feet nine Caucasian, college-aged guy on Grindr. Long story short, we started exchanging pictures and were planning to meet somewhere to have a quick naked gathering. In retrospect, this guy was alright-looking. He’s the type of guy you flirt with during the day and give a wild lap dance to after four shots of Don Julio at 2 AM. However, there were some problems with our plan to meet up at the time:
- It’s 2 PM and my housemates were all wide awake (and were completely sober).
- I didn’t have any means of transport and I wasn’t desperate enough to take a cab to go somewhere to have sex.
- Again, it’s 2 PM, so it’s a bit complicated to find a secluded area in broad daylight to have sex in his car without getting caught by innocent bystanders.
Just before I was about to give up on my dick appointment, the guy suggested this private sauna which was five minutes walk away from my place. I felt like God himself (or herself, whichever floats your boat… I’m not religious by any means) descended upon me and paved a way that led to this guy’s banana.
As I walked closer and closer to the sauna, I saw this white guy in a white t-shirt and cargo shorts leaning against the wall near the entrance. I felt relieved; out of all things that could go wrong that day, being catfished was not going to be one of them. When I finally met him, I thought, “this guy could definitely pass as a Californian straight frat bro“.
We walked up to the receptionist to “check-in” and the staff member led us to our private sauna room. I’ve always been curious about how people who work in these types of establishment manage to look you in the eyes with a straight face knowing exactly what the people in front of them are gonna do in their place. And don’t get me started with the cleaning ladies. Whenever they say “thank you for coming!“, they must have internally thought “yeah bitches, thanks for coming all over the jacuzzi you fucking horndogs”.
To be completely honest, when we entered our room, I was completely surprised by how pleasant the room was. The boy and I started undressing and attempted to enjoy the amenities the sauna provided for a little bit. But let’s be honest here. We knew what’s going on and what we came for, so we immediately jumped into the jacuzzi completely butt-naked and started making out. The make-out session was actually not terrible, but what slightly turned me off was the mixture of coffee and cigarette smell coming out of his mouth. I thought, “At least it’s not the smell of McNuggets, I don’t wanna make out with a fried chicken”.
We got to the twin mattress (completely wet) and tried going for some penis-and-asshole actions. Unfortunately, we forgot to bring lube (#gayboyproblem). His penis wasn’t super gigantic, but it’s not a penis I could take without proper preparation. With no lube, there’s no chance in hell he could slide his penis inside me without me letting out an agonizing high-pitched scream. And we were in a fucking sauna. Have you heard anyone screaming inside a sauna? Who the fuck would scream in a sauna?!
Fortunately for me, I was blessed with two holes capable of pleasing male genitalia, so we decided to end our session with some blowjob actions. And no, we didn’t come on the jacuzzi as we were only two fairly decent homosexuals with a slightly broken moral compass. We took a shower and chatted for a little bit more (it looked exactly like the ending of a Sean Cody porn) before we got dressed and said our goodbyes. The whole thing was actually fun regardless of some technical difficulties that we had. It’s too bad that I never saw him again because we had a good time, or at least I did.
What’s the lesson here? Take some fucking mints before you make out with a stranger!