XXXV. The Guy Who Was On All Fours And Naked

“Most people talk about their fantasies. I’m living mine”

– Erika Jayne –

We can all agree that porn, in one way or another, plays a huge role in developing our sexual fantasies. However, it’s quite unsettling when your perception of sexual pleasure is completely distorted by the hyperfictional fantasies curated by these multi-million porn studios until you disregard your own safety. Please note that no matter how arousing or educational a porn scene can be, your well-being should always come first (and your genital second). Yes, I have to admit that I find some unorthodox scenes to be hot AF, but I have to keep in mind that these porn stars are professionals, meaning that they rigorously prepare themselves prior to a scene. And let’s not forget the magic of film editing because trust me, sex doesn’t always look as seamless as porn depicts, and this is coming from someone who has experienced countless fecal incidents when having sex.

XXXIV. The Guy Who Gave Me A Mindblowing BJ

“A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is”

– Barbara Bush –

Let’s talk about oral sex. Frankly, I’m not sure why some people (myself included) would go the extra mile to stuff their mouth with a humongous penis. I’m even more confused with people who waste too much energy on pleasing mediocre penises with their tongue. What’s the objective there? Why do we risk putting bacteria and STDs inside our bodies to please a random guy in the bathroom of a dive bar, fully aware of the possibility of acting like total strangers when we run into the same guy in broad daylight? What does that say about us? Are we really desperate for validation that we resort to playing STD Russian Roulette? And all those self-devaluations… for what? Some jizz in our mouth?

XXXIII. The Guy Who Kept Holding Back

“Simple and clean is the way that you’re making me feel tonight, it’s hard to let it go”

– Utada Hikaru –

As I was feasting on my chicken pomelo salad, my date asked me, “have you been in love before?” I was bewildered and I didn’t know how the correct answer to his question. I mean… don’t you have to understand what love is in order to know if you’re in love? For the longest time, I had always thought that I loved my ex (yes, we’re time traveling a bit as this happened pretty recently) but as time went by, we drifted apart and my feelings for him disintegrated. In the age of Grindr where there is plenty of fish in the ocean to choose from, how does one pick a lifetime partner to love? How do you know when you’re so inexplicably in love with someone that you subconsciously ignore all the beautiful fish swimming around you? Is that what love truly is?

XXXII. The Guy Who Took Me To The Chateau Marmont

“We can go to the Chateau Marmont, and dance in the hotel room”

– Angus & Julia Stone –

For the longest time, I had always taught that sex would forever bring me pleasure, or would at least make me feel better about myself. One can argue that the more you know about a subject, the more you will learn about different approaches to view said subject. But as I indulge more in the art of going down one’s chimney, I found that the pleasure I receive from sex would eventually hit a plateau. At the same time, it encouraged me to continue diving deeper into the dark hole of reckless decision-making solely for the purpose of feeling a more euphoric sensation. In short, I was starting to feel bored with meaningless hookups yet I had no idea on how to free myself from my own weariness.

XXXI. The Guy Who Became A Good Friend

“I’m giving it my all, but I’m not the girl you’re taking home, ooh
I keep dancing on my own”

– Robyn –

Have you ever wanted someone or something really bad, so bad that you are blinded by the hyperfictional scenarios you create in your own head? I have this deadly combination of a mind that travels to random places around The Milky Way from a regular interaction between two human beings, a heart that beats at a superluminal velocity from the slightest human touch, and a brain that turns into a hopeless romantic from a meaningless heart emoji. I am often blinded by the fantasy of dating “my person” that I fail to read the obvious signs of disinterest from my knight in mediocre armor. And let me tell you, my friends… this feeling sucks major balls, and there’s nothing I can do to avoid being in this sticky situation unless I decide to completely avoid human contacts and turn myself into a cat lady. I guess I like my men like I like my coffee: incapable of loving me back.

XXIX. The Guy Who Made Me Garlic Pasta

“Put your heart and soul in your butt”

– Ash Ketchum –

Every TV show lasting for over two seasons usually has some filler episodes every once in a while, and a good example of this is the Pokémon anime series. There’s always a couple of episodes between each time Ash Ketchum challenges a gym leader where the most random shit happens to him and his squad. They never have any significance for an upcoming battle with a major character in the show nor have been a plot development everyone is dying to know. The best example I can think of is the bikini contest episode where James wears a pair of fake boobs. What the fuck is that?! And why did the writers think it’s a good idea to include that in a show for adolescents? I mean, you can’t expect Ash to win a gym badge or catch a Pokémon in every episode, but c’mon… really? A fucking bikini contest? Anyway, just like the aforementioned episode, this long-ass intro and chapter are gonna be exactly like one of those filler episodes: entertaining but irrelevant to the main storyline.