Author: Sanura Ubutt

XXXVI. The Guy Who Was A Ridiculously Attractive Douchebag

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“Your outside is gorgeous, Raven, but your insides are dark and nasty. And I don’t like you”

– Tatianna –

Sometimes, life feels unfair when we stumble upon a person who seems to have it all. I’m sure you’ve all had one of those discussions with someone about which famous person you would wanna swap bodies with for a day or things you would do/buy if you won the lottery. My point is that sometimes, we’re completely misled by the exterior of someone that we disregard the true character behind all their facades. On Instagram, for instance, it’s incredibly easy to hide your nasty attitude or past traumas behind inspiring flowery quotes you copy-paste from Pinterest. We often forget that Instagram can be a heavily curated representation of someone’s life. I’m aware of how cliché this might sound, but we really need to stop judging a book by its cover.

Continue reading ➞ XXXVI. The Guy Who Was A Ridiculously Attractive Douchebag

XXXV. The Guy Who Was On All Fours And Naked

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“Most people talk about their fantasies. I’m living mine”

– Erika Jayne –

We can all agree that porn, in one way or another, plays a huge role in developing our sexual fantasies. However, it’s quite unsettling when your perception of sexual pleasure is completely distorted by the hyperfictional fantasies curated by these multi-million porn studios until you disregard your own safety. Please note that no matter how arousing or educational a porn scene can be, your well-being should always come first (and your genital second). Yes, I have to admit that I find some unorthodox scenes to be hot AF, but I have to keep in mind that these porn stars are professionals, meaning that they rigorously prepare themselves prior to a scene. And let’s not forget the magic of film editing because trust me, sex doesn’t always look as seamless as porn depicts, and this is coming from someone who has experienced countless fecal incidents when having sex.

Continue reading ➞ XXXV. The Guy Who Was On All Fours And Naked

Pour It Up

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I heard his roar of laughter from across the room
The kind of laughter a son longs for
And it broke me
The first man I’ve ever loved
Wouldn’t smile at me that way
So I took a sip
Hoping it would silence his laughter
Excuse me, sir, can I order a bottle of beer?

I saw her exuberant joy from across the room
The kind of joy a son longs for
And it broke me
The first woman I’ve ever loved
Would never validate my joy
So I took a sip
Hoping it would bring delight in my silence
Urgh, I need more ice

I felt her overwhelming pride from across the table
The kind of pride a brother longs for
And it broke me
The second woman I’ve ever loved
Betrayed my once innocent faith
So I took a sip
Hoping it would numb the pain of her betrayal
Wait, how did I finish that bottle so fast?

I sensed her undue excitement from across the table
The kind of excitement a brother longs for
And it broke me
The third woman I’ve ever loved
Wouldn’t share my excitement
So I took a sip
Hoping it would take me to my safe haven
Ok, I guess it’s time to order another bottle!

And I took another sip to conceal my anger
And I took another sip to hide my jealousy
And I took another sip to feel nothing
And I took another sip to feel something
And I took another sip…
What was I going to say?

XXXIV. The Guy Who Gave Me A Mindblowing BJ

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“A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is”

– Barbara Bush –

Let’s talk about oral sex. Frankly, I’m not sure why some people (myself included) would go the extra mile to stuff their mouth with a humongous penis. I’m even more confused with people who waste too much energy on pleasing mediocre penises with their tongue. What’s the objective there? Why do we risk putting bacteria and STDs inside our bodies to please a random guy in the bathroom of a dive bar, fully aware of the possibility of acting like total strangers when we run into the same guy in broad daylight? What does that say about us? Are we really desperate for validation that we resort to playing STD Russian Roulette? And all those self-devaluations… for what? Some jizz in our mouth?

Continue reading ➞ XXXIV. The Guy Who Gave Me A Mindblowing BJ

XXXIII. The Guy Who Kept Holding Back

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“Simple and clean is the way that you’re making me feel tonight, it’s hard to let it go”

– Utada Hikaru –

As I was feasting on my chicken pomelo salad, my date asked me, “have you been in love before?” I was bewildered and I didn’t know how the correct answer to his question. I mean… don’t you have to understand what love is in order to know if you’re in love? For the longest time, I had always thought that I loved my ex (yes, we’re time traveling a bit as this happened pretty recently) but as time went by, we drifted apart and my feelings for him disintegrated. In the age of Grindr where there is plenty of fish in the ocean to choose from, how does one pick a lifetime partner to love? How do you know when you’re so inexplicably in love with someone that you subconsciously ignore all the beautiful fish swimming around you? Is that what love truly is?

Continue reading ➞ XXXIII. The Guy Who Kept Holding Back

XXXII. The Guy Who Took Me To The Chateau Marmont

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“We can go to the Chateau Marmont, and dance in the hotel room”

– Angus & Julia Stone –

For the longest time, I had always taught that sex would forever bring me pleasure, or would at least make me feel better about myself. One can argue that the more you know about a subject, the more you will learn about different approaches to view said subject. But as I indulge more in the art of going down one’s chimney, I found that the pleasure I receive from sex would eventually hit a plateau. At the same time, it encouraged me to continue diving deeper into the dark hole of reckless decision-making solely for the purpose of feeling a more euphoric sensation. In short, I was starting to feel bored with meaningless hookups yet I had no idea on how to free myself from my own weariness.

Continue reading ➞ XXXII. The Guy Who Took Me To The Chateau Marmont

Chose Him

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Is it pure admiration? Am I merely craving for liberation?
You adore Banks, but all I wanna do is bang
No that’s a lie, with you rules don’t apply
But you chose him, while I hide behind a pseudonym

Keep playing your game, keep me guessing what we became
I want romance, but all you wanna do is dance
No don’t call me delusional, everything you do feels intentional
But you chose him, you leave me out on a limb

Isn’t it obvious? Are you oblivious?
With the pace of our flirting, I’m destined to be hurting
No don’t keep your distance, lower my resistance
But you chose him, you turn my midnights grim

So I wish you farewell, wishing there’s water left in our well
I compile our songs, to keep our memories prolonged
Oh take me back to the beach, when my dream was within reach
But you chose him, I’m all alone singing our hymn

I die a thousand times, every time you swear by your dime 
You make my blood boil, every time your ship is in turmoil
Oh can’t you see? Am I not your definition of beauty?
But you chose him, and I’m not him


XXXI. The Guy Who Became A Good Friend

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“I’m giving it my all, but I’m not the girl you’re taking home, ooh
I keep dancing on my own”

– Robyn –

Have you ever wanted someone or something really bad, so bad that you are blinded by the hyperfictional scenarios you create in your own head? I have this deadly combination of a mind that travels to random places around The Milky Way from a regular interaction between two human beings, a heart that beats at a superluminal velocity from the slightest human touch, and a brain that turns into a hopeless romantic from a meaningless heart emoji. I am often blinded by the fantasy of dating “my person” that I fail to read the obvious signs of disinterest from my knight in mediocre armor. And let me tell you, my friends… this feeling sucks major balls, and there’s nothing I can do to avoid being in this sticky situation unless I decide to completely avoid human contacts and turn myself into a cat lady. I guess I like my men like I like my coffee: incapable of loving me back.

Continue reading ➞ XXXI. The Guy Who Became A Good Friend

XXIX. The Guy Who Made Me Garlic Pasta

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“Put your heart and soul in your butt”

– Ash Ketchum –

Every TV show lasting for over two seasons usually has some filler episodes every once in a while, and a good example of this is the Pokémon anime series. There’s always a couple of episodes between each time Ash Ketchum challenges a gym leader where the most random shit happens to him and his squad. They never have any significance for an upcoming battle with a major character in the show nor have been a plot development everyone is dying to know. The best example I can think of is the bikini contest episode where James wears a pair of fake boobs. What the fuck is that?! And why did the writers think it’s a good idea to include that in a show for adolescents? I mean, you can’t expect Ash to win a gym badge or catch a Pokémon in every episode, but c’mon… really? A fucking bikini contest? Anyway, just like the aforementioned episode, this long-ass intro and chapter are gonna be exactly like one of those filler episodes: entertaining but irrelevant to the main storyline.

Continue reading ➞ XXIX. The Guy Who Made Me Garlic Pasta